25 Things you can choose to know about Me...

1. I really believe that anything is possible. I know a lot of people say this, but I really believe it. I believe that donkeys could talk, and pigs could fly, and people can be healed from cancer in 2 weeks, and that God can come down from Heaven and give you a real hug. This is my greatest strength and in some eyes, my greatest weakness. Regardless, this is the sort of thing that makes peoples' eyebrows go up in meetings all the time, and in those cases I just sort of calm down my hyper idealism and stay quiet while someone else is speaking.

2. I like to cook

3. I have learned so many incredibly invaluable things this year that I don't know where to start. I am told by older, more wisened people that these are things that most people never ever learn so I guess I am in good standing.

4. I think stillness is the best therapy, Jesus kinda just chills with His hand on your heart and its a beautiful thing

5. I have not smoked in over a year. This is not surprising to me

6. I have not watched television in almost a year. This is extremely surprising to me

6.5. I hate watching television but if I am spending time with you, and you want to, I will at least pretend to enjoy it. I think that's one of the greatest ways to show love

7. I'm kinda learning that when you surround yourself with true love, the essence of who God is, and you steep yourself in it, Nothing else really matters but sharing and giving that love. Clothes, hair, celebrities, gossip, school... It all just lacks importance, but most importantly, urgency. When things lack urgency, they lose their power over us, and in that way God is taking us out of the world. Genius

8. I love my dog more than a lot of people love their friends. I treat her better too

9. A lot of people say I talk a lot. Thank you for listening

10. I spent a lot of my life being mean and witty. Its so much easier to be nice to people, and to hug them and to look in their eyes and see the Holy One... Some people make this harder than others but...I try to try 100%

11. Piano! I am going to learn to play a song this year

12. I do not enjoy being scared.

13. I love my parents a great deal and respect them enormously but I hold no illusions about who they are.

14. In the past six months I have met more wonderful people than I had previously encountered altogether in the last 19 years of my life.

15. I wonder all the time how God makes such beautiful people

16. Sometimes I want to see and touch and hear and feel e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. My dad calls it overstimulation and says I have been getting that way since I was a baby. Its very draining, and I am forever telling myself.. "Jade... CHILL."

17. I laugh all all all allllll the time and so loud

18. We had a keynote speaker at the last conference I went to who asked a question which was very enlightening to me... "What would you do if you were 10 x bolder?" It has changed my life

19. Taylor has been a really excellent friend to me ever since I have known him. Mutual love and respect, 100%

20. I think I know some of the most inspiring people ever... When I don't wanna go running or go to math tutoring, I just remember some of the people I'm lucky enough to call Friends, and push push push through

21. Biting my tongue. Best thing I'm learning so far...

22. Stopped cursing. Cool

23. I really really love to read but lately all I've been reading is non-fiction. Its amazing but I think its killing my imagination.

24. I was kinda taught to put Head over Heart, and I think that's crazy now. Heart over Head, that's it that's all

25. I am so proud of where I come from, every bit of the culture, food, clothing, holidays... Everything. But above that, I'm proud that I am allowed to receive everything I do from the Most High, and to praise His name... Can't imagine anything better than that at this point in my life... Really

"On the whole, I don't have any friends. Friends come and go; I've lost my trust factor. I believe I have people who think they're my friend. And I believe that there are people probably in their heart who are friends toward me or are friends to me. But they're not my friends."

In the year of King Uzziah’s death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of His robe filling the temple.

idealism.

For about three months, I knew where I was going. I knew where I was, and where I was going. I woke up every morning with a smile and a shake of my hair-it is what President John F. Kennedy called "vig-ah". I had it and I was ready to start a new dawn-changing the world, beautiful children, amazing coworkers. It all just made so much sense. Life was turning smoothly, rotating between the hands of someone I cared for very much, and I couldn't imagine a bundle of days being better, or more fulfilling.

This time was some of the best I have ever experienced, and towards the end, when I saw that the flame was dying, I am proud to say that I was mature enough to help put it out. It is unfortunate that it coincided with the end of the most wonderful six weeks of working hard, and laughing loud, and crying deeply, but it did. And that's the breaks, and that's how it goes sometimes. I have absolutely zero regrets about anything I did during this time, and it was a time of growth, and honesty, and exploration, and how good it feels to have someone that appreciates you for both beauty, and intelligence. He is a man, and a real one. Educated, and mature, and kind, and overflowing with substance, and character. And no matter what happened, I will always associate him with the discovery of my passion, which no one can ever ever take away from me.

Now that I have discovered where my heart lies, everything else just kind of lines up, and even if I am rather lonely in this time, my heart still beats the way it does. I am head over heels, absolutely, adoringly in love with the movement. I smile just thinking about the fact that I am a part of something so very big, and so very wonderful, and I could not ask for anything else in this time. It is sustaining me when no one else will.

And I am lonely, incredibly so. I have made my room into an island, surrounded by books, and papers, and cups of tea, and I miss the friends I used to have. I miss the idealism, and wonder, of being eighteen years old, broken-hearted, lying on on top of a shed in your backyard, playing Billie Holiday through a boombox that your whole neighborhood can hear, taking pictures of the sky. I have gotten it together, yes I have gotten it together. But its unfortunate that in my getting it together, other things (also important) have fallen apart.

I won't lie. I miss it every single day. The fact that someone else can make me feel so confident, and happy, and secure sickens me. I've become used to someone showing me the wonders of the world, all while holding my hand. This is something I am very grateful for, but also something I wish I had never experienced. Because I have no self-esteem, and the emptiness is unbearable now that the relationship cannot be retrieved. Some day I will learn to care for myself the way he did, and then I won't need anyone at all to show me who I am.

I wish I was Ashton Kutcher in The Butterfly Effect.

I won't be here anymore.

jadesblog.tumblr.com

Its been good.
I love you Blogger.
Peace.

holler @ your boy, but do not lose your voice!

youtube.com/jadelinaa

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Follow the Leader.

I hope this makes you sick. I hope these images of our brothers and sisters across the world sail through your dreams like gray bateaus, torn masts waving as reminders of our brokenness, of our inequality, of our apathetic nature to turn our eyes away from suffering and turn them to our gods of boyfriends, girlfriends, school, work, our car, this new shirt, that new club, who really cares? The blood is on our hands.

..We are a world of sick people who are finally getting restless and angry at the unfairness of it all. We are a world of sad people who are finally coming to realize that we cannot find real happiness in things, nor other human being. We are a world of confused people who are so tired of being confused. We want grace, we want peace, we want clarity. And we want it now.

I dream of a world where His name is the standard, where his Law is natural, where we no longer work for ourselves but work to bring Him to everyone else, where He is the first, the last, the only.. Where the weak are strong, and the poor are rich.

I believe we are tired of talking about it. I believe that world is coming. I believe it is already here.

In Him.

Your faithful servant,

Jade A. Hadley-Magnus.

Yea, so.

EDIT: .

Never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

-Matthew 6:3 (paraphrased.)

if you want to see what we believe, see how we live.

"Gates are not offensive weapons. Gates are defensive—walls and fences we build to keep people out. God is not saying the gates of hell will not prevail as they come at us. God is saying that we are in the business of storming the gates of hell, and the gates will not prevail as we crash through them with grace.

People sometimes ask if we are scared of the inner city. I say that I am more scared of the suburbs. Our Jesus warns that we can fear those things which can hurt our bodies or we can fear those things which can destroy our souls, and we should be far more fearful of the latter. Those are the subtle demons of suburbia.

As my mother once told me, “Perhaps there is no more dangerous place for a Christian to be than in safety and comfort, detached from the suffering of others.” I’m scared of apathy and complacency, of detaching myself from the suffering. It’s hard to see until our 20/20 hindsight hits us—but every time we lock someone out, we lock ourselves further in.

Just as we are building walls to keep people out of our comfortable, insulated existence, we are trapping ourselves in a hell of isolation, loneliness and fear. We have “gated communities” where rich folks live. We put up picket fences around our suburban homes. We place barbed wire and razer-wire around our buildings and churches. We put bars on our windows in the ghettos of fear. We build up walls to keep immigrants from entering our country. We guard our borders with those walls—Berlin, Jerusalem, Jericho.

And the more walls and gates and fences we have, the closer we are to hell. We, like the rich man, find ourselves locked into our gated homes and far from the tears of Lazarus outside, far from the tears of God.

Let us pray that God would give us the strength to storm the gates of hell, and tear down the walls we have created between those whose suffering would disrupt our comfort. May we become familiar with the suffering of the poor outside our gates, know their names, and taste the salt in their tears… then when “the ones God has rescued,” the Lazaruses of our world—the baby refugees, the mentally-ill wanderers, and the homeless outcasts—are seated next to God, we can say, “We’re with them.” Jesus has given them the keys to enter the Kingdom. Maybe they will give us a little boost over the gate.

And in the New Jerusalem, the great City of God, “on no day will its gates ever be shut.” The gates of the Kingdom will forever be open. (Revelation 21:25)

-Shane Claiborne.

The face of Christianity is changing.. We are the ordinary radicals.. 

For more information on Shane Claiborne & his amazing, incredibly inspiring, radical movement, check out the http://www.thesimpleway.org

I really loved this..

EDIT: someone asked me this recently.. & I really liked it. Are you a Forrest (stable, loyal, nurturing) or a Jenny (indecisive, kind of crazy, completely driven by your heart)?

RoyLichtenstein-PopArt master, & one of my favorite modern artists..

Hold on tight. This is life, and it may not always feel good, but you have to get out there and do it. You cant hide behind your ex-boyfriend, or what your parents did, or what youve gone through. 

Youre debilitated because you allow yourself to be. Youre sick in the mind, body, and heart because you want to be. Youd rather chase people, places, and things that dont really mean anything than do what you have to do to bring everlasting peace. 

Have you done anything important today? 

What are you doing?

What are you really doing? 

Try growing up. Try living in the real world, where daggers are thrown at you everyday. Where the Enemy seeks to kill and destroy. Where you are, quite literally, a sheep in a pack of wolves. Try getting up and pushing past the lies, deceit, & sin every day. Try saying no for a change. Just try saying no.

You are enough. You are more than enough. You are not your yesterday, you are your tomorrow. Are you reading this right now? You are already blessed beyond belief. You have another chance. Take it. Turn it into something. Make it important. Everything you could ever want or need is right at your fingertips, but you dig past the gold on the surface & search for the plastic. (Years later, when youve broken a couple bones from various bumps, bruises, and falls, you might look for the plastic & bounce it up and down a few times..finally understanding its worthlessness.)

Who am I? Im no one. Im just as significant, or insignificant as you are.. Im worth as much as you are, maybe less. My heart is in it, my soul is in it.. Im not God. Im nowhere to close to God. I struggle, I struggle so much. But I see truth, and I cannot ignore it. I cry because life is so short, and I just want you to get it. To understand. It doesnt have to be this way.

I look at everything, and I see God reflected back. 

Thats how I see you. Even when you dont see it yourself.

(I wish someone would have told me this a year ago. In my eyes, it was 7 months completely wasted-akin to circling a pole until you fall out.)

if you knew what He had for you,

would you still fight it?

something to thinkabout/meditate/pray on this week..

""People that detach themselves from truth inadvertently attach themselves to something else- to lies that defraud and extort. In reality, there is no such thing as a completely independent human psyche. That's why to entice us, Satan offers us alternate attachments masquerading as fulfillments to our inner needs.Wrong attachments mean we are growing in our dependence and reliance on something other than God."

you're my counterpoint, & im tryna draw the line. (takin a page from ashlies book..)

This isnt meant to be particularly good writing.. Just real talk (I hate when people say real talk), BUT real talk.. Do you have heart?

Do you go above & beyond your comfort level to show your love & affection?

Are you brave enough to love without limits?

Do you really HAVE it?

"Have you ever loved someone so much you'd give an arm for em.. Not the expression-no, literally give an arm for? When they know they're your heart & you know you were their armour & you will destroy anyone who would try to harm em.."

& for those who have been REEEALLY hurt.. What scares you more.. a life with pain, or a life without love?

why not?

shawty is a ten =)

i wanna marry his personality *swooooon

ps. for YOU

Rockin That Thang - The-Dream

just as lost as you.

The traps that our imperfect human hearts, and minds get caught in, are often soo perfectly debilitating, so perfectly crafted to hit our every available weakness or insecurity, that the only person who knows us well enough to set it, is in fact, ourselves.

So what do you do when you are your own worst enemy. What do you do when your back is against the wall, and your heart is in someone else's hands. What do you do when you've cried out again and again for relief, for freedom of pain, for a break, for God's sake, and all you are confronted with is pain. You wake up, and there pain is, sitting in your chair, fumbling with some unnamed artifact from your jewelry box, and its at breakfast, in your mother's eyes, in your brother's slump, and you go to school, and there pain is, sharing your seat, breathing down your neck reminding you that you'll never be good enough, and there it is again, at night, bringing memories to the forefront that press into your heart that yes, you are all alone in this bed.

Maybe the greatest tragedy, is that most of those walking, colliding, dreaming, and breathing with us on every street, every corner, every bus stop, and tarmac, are as chained to sadness as we are. In our attempts to free ourselves, we only get tangled with the other prisoner. In the process, we are chained down doubly, more helpless and broken than we were to begin with.. We use the word love as a key. As a bargaining chip. Maybe this time, I will be set free. Maybe this time, I will get my happy ending. Maybe, this one is the right one. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
We might as well use the word photosynthesis, or television in place of "love", because our version of the word is perverted.. Its intention and purpose are stripped, and instead, the word is exchanged as a job well done, or even worse an expression of pain. When someone listens to our problems, or touches us the right way, or tells us we are beautiful. Or maybe harms us, or maybe tears us down, or maybe forces us to go without.. That is not love-it is obsession, attachment, bonds that are formed too deep and too soon.. Time does not create love.. Love creates time.. and I'm no expert but this is what I do know.

I know that until someone knows who he or she is in God, he or she is completely incapable of love, the way it is intended to be..

I know that love and power have very little to do with one another. And that true love does not stand on who is winning the game, but rather on who is willing to limit themselves in order to let love live.

I know that love is honest, and without pride, and without arrogance.. It is patient, and it is real, and it exists, and it is everywhere. It is in every breath that we are permitted to take, and every honest smile shared between strangers, and it is in God's plan, and His mercy, and His hands. It is in every time we smile that smile.. The one that completely overtakes us, until all we can do is cry, and shake our heads at our amazing fortune..

And then, we might be allowed to see what we are meant to be.. And then we can see what we are missing..

Remember, no one ever said this road would be easy. They just said it would be worth it.

Love wins.
Jade A. Hadley-Magnus
Better known as jadelinaa.blogspot.com

The fight for you is all I've ever known.

Welcome back, welcome back *Mase dance

Most of you know that Erin, Ashlie, and I started blogging in Winter 2007.. Out of the hundreds of posts and thousands of comments that we received, came sooo many things.. honestly, some good, and some bad.. I have changed soo much in the year & some change that I have been faithfully & not so faithfully keeping this blog-I have been paid, broke, in love, depressed, happy, high, sober, drunk & now my current state and hopefully final destination-saved & sanctified. Wooo

Life will throw many curveballs at you.. Sometimes we think things are sooo cool, decent & in order, but truth be told, they're not. There are days that I would give anything in the world to rewind back to March/April/May of 2008.. When life, friendship, love & relationships were so simple.. I have many of the material things that I desired during those times, but they did not make me happier.. Just like more money, more problems; the more you mature, the more problems you will face.. That is a tangent for a different time. But.. I am saying all this to say.. I am blogging again! Whoop, whoop.. more of that writing & music for your eyes & ears =) Hopefully, less drama this time around, but with some, you neeever know..

Peace, love, & everything in between!
Jade A. Hadley-Magnus

rewind.

I think I hate Sundays. As soon as I wake up in the morning, I just have the most awful feeling in my stomach.. There's something ironic about it, I think. The word Sun-Day..is basically "day of sun".. meaning a day of happiness, and growth and sun; but in my mind Sunday is a day that represents sadness, to its fullest. Week-ends are two [or three, depending on how you look at it] days that we treat as an escape from our problems, and deadlines, and meetings, and tests..a mini-vacation to the insides of our minds, if you will. Maybe not a vacation, but two days in which the world gives us a passport into the world of Denial. We can just act like everything's okay, and nothing's important, and no one even calls us out on it.. We drink like we don't have work on Monday, and sleep like our Sidekicks or Blackberries aren't overrun with appointments. Sunday is a day that is basically spent dreading the return to the hustle and bustle of life.. Funny how dreading an event, is almost always worse than the event itself. Oh dear. Sundays still make my skin crawl, even though I have no hustle or bustle to return to, because school's out. There is something very misleading about Sundays. And something very final. Or I think, it mostly has to do with the fact that Sunday is technically the beginning of a week, but always feels like the end..Anyway, this weekend was good, in a sneaky way I haven't figured out yet.. It was good to see a few people.. Good to be around reality. It's weird, because I think I'm so accustomed to dreaming that there's no room for reality..whether this is good, bad, or all of the above, you tell me..

follow me

Twitter.com/jadelinaa

Creative, I know

when the curious girl realizes she is under glass..

"Everything will turn out all right. You'll see."
"I can't imagine how," said Atreyu.
"Neither can I," said the luckdragon. "But that's the wonderful part of it."

credit: taylor "gay gay" gilmore.

"Isn't it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth? Rather than relying on God's steady, uplifting reassurance of who we are, we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards. Because our performance and ability to please others so dominate our search for significance, we have difficulty recognizing the distinction between our real identity and the way we behave, a realization crucial to understanding our true worth. Our true value is based not on our behavior or the approval of others but on what God's word says of us."
-The Search for Significance-Robert S. McGee :)

niggas 101..

more n bloopers to come! hahaaa

July 2009

The longer that Im out here the better you sound, you're scrunching up your face in this picture I found..and Im chasing after you, steadily losing ground, I don't wanna forget so I'm writing it down. Have you ever? No? Never, never? I find that hard to believe. Yea, let's burn the furniture, to see how angry a fire could make me. And I'm singing all his songs while I sleep on your couch. I'm coughing up a lung but I'm covering my mouth. And I paint you on the wall, yellow-red-green-and brown. I miss you all the time but I'm blocking it out.

sincerely yours,

losing you was my biggest fear.

i survived that. i can survive anything.

thank you.

Well I start celebrating the holiday season in August or so, but I know for a lot of you, Christmas doesn't really start poppin til the day after Thanksgiving..

Tarina Tarantino Barbie doll: I have some of her jewelry, n it is all great, but I would looove to get this

David Yurman pearls: he is sick with it for sure. I got one of his bracelets in eighth grade but I lost it, and my mom has never let me forget it, so only Santa can grant this wish


A Bronx Tale on dvd.. One of my dingleberry friends lost mine

A gift certificate to the Juicy store.. I pickd up a lot of spiffy things wen I was at the store yesterday, but there were manyy more things I wanted that I felt silly asking for.

Rick Owens leather jacket.. They are just soo cool. *Sigh

Some special custom made special dyed weave from the most pure virgins ever, it will run me about 500 dollars.

But to be real with you, there is only one thing I reeeeally want, n only a few people know what it is, so if I could get that biiig box, wrappd up in Kente cloth wrapping paper or whatever, I would be the happiest elf ever.

Ps. Santa I understand if you just give me a gift certificate to the Dollar Tree (my other favorite store), n some twenty dollar yaki. Jesus is the reason for the season!

Love,
Jade :)

happy halloween! (late I know)

Can't fool myself, don't want nobody else to ever love me, you are my shining star, my guiding light, my love fantasy!
There's not a minute or a day or night that I don't love you,
You're at the top of my list, cause I'm always thinking of you!
I still remember in the days when I was scared to touch you,
How I spent my days dreaming, planning of how to say I love you!
You must have known that I had feelings deep enough to swim in,
That's when you opened up your heart and you told me to come in!














Black hair, don't care ;)

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
2 Chronicles 7:14

Dear Father God,
We ask you today to protect Senator Barack Obama. Lord God, we ask that you encourage his heart and continue to strengthen his body and mind as he travels across this nation ministering hope and change to a discouraged society. Lord God we ask that you stop every attack the adversary would set against him. Lord we ask that you also keep his family and all those whom he holds dear safe. We send healing, strength, and encouragement to Senator Obama right now. We thank you God for this ambassador of change and we ask that you continue to grant him favor, love, mercy, profound wisdom, and kindness and he continues to walk according to your will and way.
In Jesus name we pray,
Amen.

"All these people have families, you can tell by their faces, they have families that depend on them, and that they depend on, and for some of them this is good, and for some of them this is bad. But it all amounts to the same shit, because there isn't one of them who is free. They can't do what they want to do or be who they should be. I might have no one in the world, but at least I'm free."
--

Famlayy, forever.

Ask Jade..

Last time I will ever do this type of post.. The game is to be sold, not to be told..

Most of yall know the deal but if you don't.. You ask me a question, I hit you back with some advice. To make it easier on yourself, give yourself some kinda nickname so you can see who I'm talkin to.. Ex.
My man a thievin lyin nasty herpes-infected hoe! He got my sister doctor baby momma pregnant! What do I do!
-minniemouse

I will respond..
Minniemouse,
Dump that lyin ass nigga! N this is how you do it.. Etc.

This post was requested, lol.. So let the fuckery begin.
-J

Whoopwhoooop

Meeks put me on:)
My handwriting look ugly huh? Lol, awkward. Better late than never tho

at press time, taylors autobiography was titled.. "& then Jade put me up on game about.."

"The house became full of love. Aureliano expressed it in poetry that had no beginning or end. He would write it on the harsh pieces of parchment that Melquiades gave him, on bathroom walls, on the skin of his arms, and in all of it Remedios would appear transfigured: Remedios in the soporific air of two in the afternoon, Remedios is in the soft breath of the roses, Remedios in the water-clock secret of the moths, Remedios in the steaming morning bread, Remedios everywhere and Remedios forever."

Somewhere, on the other side of the moon..

I chose life.

The pain of always being somewhere else, coupled with the two-faced demons of my childhood forced me into something I knew I could not overcome. The late-night loneliness, and the endless sound of the dial tone propelled me to self-destruct, holding my head in my hands and the insides of my stomach to a toilet. I knelt in pews, telling God fuck you, cause I just didn't understand how I turned out like this. After the stitches came out, I thought it would get better, but it only got worse. No butterflies, only butterfly bandages. I was thirteen with the heart of a thirty year old. Left somewhere where my breath puffed out dragon-shaped swirls of ice, and my heart didn't beat.. It just got by. We were all just getting by. I was holding rosaries, and looking for a fucking right. Taking hits like a man. Reminiscing off the good days, but they were never good. I was all alone in the world, and no one gave a fuck. I was hiding in bathrooms 'cause people made me sick.I was house-hopping 'cause no one could handle me. Wylin' out, trying to find a reason to live, because every other sign in my life told me I should die. And I never told the truth, because the lies are what held my family together.
My first attempt had me barfing up Tylenol into the recesses of the murkiest waters.. A couple hundred days of bulimia left me able to regurgitate on will. It was a sign, and I lived.

I lived, but I still wasn't good enough.

Sixteen years of disappointment left my heart like a witch's tit. 379 days later, I could give a fuck about sobriety, and the power of the Lord, and what He can do for you, because all He did all those years was keep me alive. And even that was more of a curse than a blessing. Coughing on smoke fumes inside greasy pay phones, writing my name inside numerous phonebooks, to show that I was real, and I existed, even if the people I needed most saw right through me. Praying for wings, and throwing up trouble, wanting expanses of pearly-white feathers to lead me somewhere I could take a nap. That's all I wanted really. A nap. I gave myself scars because only a few I was given ever really lasted. Pleading look at me, look at me. Please look at me and say I'm a girl, not a ghost with convenient hands and soothing words. Please look at me and say I'm real. Please look and see that I want to live long, and have a million lovers, and two million kids, and I want to live
But you're killing me.

May Jesus save us all.

Fourteen months, and you wanted to change the course of history. I would never remind you, but how could I forget? Too many moves, and no fucking stability. Black and blue as sure as the rotations of the earth, and letting sun rays go, because they were never meant for people like me. Drug money was my savior, but it only bought me time. Suicide missions all failed, because I was too fucking scared. I called on the angels for at least some fucking luck!, dragging my heart in behind me after another late night. Never asking why me, because the prophecies had been heard, and the hand had been dealt. I was only as sick as my secrets. I was as beautiful as I felt. Everything was going to work out, it just happens when you least expect it. line after fucking line, carved into my less-than-perfect skin, because all skin is is a barrier from the dirty things in life. Like eyelashes. You don't fuckin' need em. I never had trust, but it was what I would treasure above all. I wanted to believe in the goodness of people, time and time again. But everyone caused me to lose faith, the deceit of the Judas's, and the Mary's, and the God, Our Father's who art in heaven who had no idea what role they would play in a second attempt. I woke one day to meet a girl who would help me stretch out, and examine all of the demons inside me. A simple name-five letters, one word.. A value I would eventually cherish above all. I had never given thought to what made me what I am, but she would be what turned me into who I would become. 679 days from my first, I gave my heart to a God whose face I swore I would never seek. I paired liars and cheaters, for that's what they were, and learned to smell the shit in the rose beds. My heart gave way, but it never gave out, and it is only through God, my God, of Moses, and Mary, Joseph, and Joel, who parted the Red Sea, and set wings upon Gabriel's back, who kept Daniel from the lions, and forgave the prodigal son, who said: Let the weak say I am strong. My God who swore that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. My God who held me close, and never let me go, when every single person I needed, had unceremoniously lied, and stole, and cheated their ways into my heart.

And so, blog readers, "friends", "enemies", fellow members of the fucking human race, when I stand in front of you, and say that I am whole, why do you think thoughts that tear me up. And when I say I am strong, why do you use your words to try and make me weak. And when I am doing well, why do you wish for me to be ill. Why do my friends whisper, and my enemies plot. Why does my family toss me to the lions, and why do my lovers stab me in the heart. Why are people like this.

I share my life with you, because I want show you that I was nothing, and I turned into something. That I didn't want to exist, and now I live. That you can be you, and nobody else.. Because if you've been somebody, you know that being somebody isn't being anybody. Not really..

See, you can love. But you choose to hate.

Congratulations.

Thanks to the homies @ Tmobile for hook'n it up with the new 08.






EDIT: this why i dont let my nana come out wit me no mo'!

Ainsi..

Je peux m'échapper de vous, et toutes les choses qui me rappellent vous.

The making of the Principal's Daughter

.. Looong ass day. Went to school, met up with Ashlie.. got her textbooks, went to the bank, went to Hana Sushi and had some Mexican rolls.. Yum. Taylor met us up there, ran errands around my 'hood (whomP) lmao.. shot alllllll day, with interruptions from my teed ass lil bro's n funny momma. Shot on location, broke into my house, then headed to elllay..sesh'd with kc, najee & 'em.. Went to Panns..then fell asleep @ the Westin. Yee.. this is behind the scenes..not all the shit is up on here.. But heres some bloopers, n random ass pictures..

Life honestly could not get any better.

She used to be a Christian before, now all she wanna do is shop for Christian Dior clothes. Liiiike.. baby those are cute, I adore those.

Mhmmm, I love him.

I told you, Mr. ________________ I tried to be your daughter,

BUT he wasn't satisfied with none of the things that I bought him,

AND he wouldn't show up at none of the places I brought him,

AND couldn't utilize none of the things I taught him..

But I was just trying to upgrade you,

I wasn't your understudy that tried to upstage you,

I was your other buddy that tried to front page you, crown you, get to know the people that surround you..

Funny to think I wanted to be your wife too, cuz now we sit around in the studio and clown you.. oops did I let that slip, oh my bad did I let that slip? can't forget that QUICK =]

Annnnd Jennifer Ouellette makes thee sickest headbands.

Can't wait to rock these all fall.

I deserve an mtv show for me and my people, and if you tryna zooone, I got a whole swisha sweet full

"Fuckin' fantastic, fuck if you agree. I shine bright, but I give a fuck if you see me."

2009 is my year. I know a lot of people say it, but I'm not tryna "take over the l.a" or "be the most seen girl in the valley." I don't want the sickest ride evaaa, or to be the most, blunted girl out there.. I don't care about hittin' Les Deux every Tuesday, or spendin my paycheck @ Intermix. If 2008 was the year of lessons, building,etc., then 2009 is the year of the fulfillment of the vision that's been set in the latter days of 2008. I see myself stable by twenty, period. Writing has fallen by the wayside right now, and I'm working on a couple prestigious projects.. nepotism at its finest. But if your people were doin' what mine do, you'd be on it too. Don't hate.., and proceed. Sigh.. I'll come up. I'm getting my license this month.. Big whoop. I want a Cadillac CTS, but my parents will prolly smack me with a 83 El Dorado or some shit.. Ima get my Caddy within a couple months tho, mark my words. It's a shame that I spent this year learning some shit I kinda already knew. But I have a hard head, and it takes a coo minute for shit to sink in. I got it now though. Lesson learned, year (kinda) wasted. But it all comes down to this right here:

-If you don't define success, someone else will do it for you.

-If you don't schedule your time, someone else will do it for you.

Figure out exactly what you want, plan for it, and go after it. Period. If you want money, you're gonna need to make it. And you need a plan to do so. If there is a failure, in 99% of the cases, people haven't really thought it through what they are up to. Arrogance is the ultimate failing. The person who always feels the need to prove their intelligence, attractiveness, or desirability is always the person who loses. When you stay quiet and play all of your angles, you win every time. I'm only eighteen, but I'm sitting in meetings with the movers and shakers of the entertainment industry.. I'm lucky to be in the place that I am, but this isn't what I want for myself. It's a stepping stone. But if there's one thing I've learned while sitting in the boardroom, its to shut the fuck up. I may run my mouth around my peers but in professional situations, when you're the intern, or the flunky, or the assistant, (or the boss's daughter), it's best to observe and absorb. Most people I know, assume everyone is their friend, until proven otherwise. It's so unwise, because you can trust no one. If you've known someone for two weeks, they're not your friend. They're an associate. I've learned to assume that everyone else is smarter, is a predator, and wants to get me to work for free, and obligate me to be a vassal. Expecting that people are trying to get you is an eaisier way to deal with things than being constantly astonished or surprised by what people will do. Expecting the worst from people is a great basis to work from because anything better is a pleasant surprise. That's enough for today, but last night reminded me of why I don't go out anymore. I'll go to the club when I get some money--like REAL money, not when I'm spending my last bill on an outfit, and drinks so I can appear like I'm "doing it big" for all the other people who are ALSO pretending like they're doing it big. I'm straight. Extra'd out and teed. Many people say they don't like drama, but they enjoy it, because they surround themselves with dramatic situations, and people. No new friends, no new places, only me, and my grind. Thank you.

Also today is Chantel's birthday. She's been one of my best friends for going on eight years now. She also farts out peace signs, and smells like frankincense and myrrh. Her house is the epicenter for all mean girls activity, and her stepmother is a strong German woman who supplies me with Sephora gift cards, and love. Excuse my extremely creepy description, but happy birthday C. I love you, you mean so much to me.

I guess I'm blogging again.
Soooo, I've been sittin here, like tryna write some shit about love.. And relationships. And changing, and maturation. And alllll that shit.

Buuut, fuck it. I don't get paid to do this shit (yet) and I know half yall lil dirtyfaced unoriginal muthafuckaaa's just steal this shit n turn it into a poem for yall gay ass little boyfriends or whatever. Soooo, fuck yall. Naaa, jk. I love yall. I wouldnt come back, if some of yall didnt keep me laughin and whatnot. Mhmmmm, we gon' see how this round of blogging goes. I'm livin' my life, stay workin', got a little business, workin' on my mom's new psa campaign soon to be seen eryyywhere. If you live in the valley/la area, like babysittin' & kids, and wanna make some money, holler @ me. I'll pay for your cpr certification and alll that.

This la shit is wacker than ever. I'm coo though.

Later-

"& you've become what you thought was dumb."

Fact: the drugs, the partying, and the alcohol get so fucking old after awhile.

I've been out here in these streets since the eighth grade. From East Coast prep school snobs to New Jersey townies to fast ass Hispanic East Valley kids to elitist private school brats at Marlborough and Brentwood to ghetto Birmingham birds to Juicy and Jello shot obsessed Persians to intellectual stoners who discuss Doeterovsky while puffing on "primo shit" to entitled Calabasas hippies to tiu tiu la niggas to "I'm a bomb bitch!" la hoes, to Greenwich Connecticut country clubbers, to the "in"
la crowd to the outer circle hypebeasts, I've hung out with them all.

I've been rich, and I've been poor. I've been popular, and unpopular. I've had it all, and I had nothing, so I can say with complete assurance, that none of it means anything.

Charles Bukowski once said that if you realize you are losing your soul, that's good, because it means you still have one. Well, los angeles california has officially sucked all the good shit out of me. Every moral, virtue, and belief I've held dear has been compromised in some way in this past year. I once told a pretty smart person that its silly to hold yourself to the standards you built as a child, because you don't know anything about life then.. But that's bullshit. Life is never black and white, but I've let the grey creep in wayyyy too much.

Fuck la. Its sooo much more plastic, fake, and full of shit than most realize. If only I could put into words, how what you think is real is NOT real. And all of the Myspaces you visit daily to look at all your favorite local celebs are the barriers keping you from them. All our blogs are, our platforms to show how much cooler we are than you. Sad but true, and myself included. All of this internet shit is just an advertisement for "Thee L.a Life." Poetry lounges, concerts, shows, kickbacks, parties.. You might see us there but we probably won't ever speak. We let you in THIS close, to our personal dreams, triumphs, failures, but at the end of the day.. Who are you to us? Nothing but believers in our bullshit. The audience to our play. We put on the show, and you buy every ticket. Its sick, but people really do treat us like celebrities. I posted my email address on here once, and I get letters at least once a week. Some girl is currently writing a story about me, when we go to some resort together. People say they wanna cum on my face. At fox hills mall people ask me if I'm jadelinaa. People send death threats to my friends and I. They say they hate us. They write YOU GUYS ARE UGLY DICK SUCKING SLUTS when they've probably only seen us once. Or even worse, people that we THOUGHT were friends, fucking sit around and write bullshit on our blogs & brag about it to their friends so it gets back to us. Oh cool, you just talked shit to someone you want attention from, you're so fucking cool. People that don't even know me love me, and people that don't even know me hate me. What the fuck! Everyone is caught up in this game. And fuck it, I lose. I want out.

I hate la. I'm applying out next semester, and I want out of this fake ass world. And when I have kids, I'm keeping them as far away from this hellhole as I can.

I am not cut out for this shit. Faulkner wrote that he's never met a smart, happy person. And I agree. I know some of you may think that its not that deep, but it is for me.

Who knows, I may get the urge to write in this shit again like next week or something. I'm not making any guarantees. I'm working on a book right now, its pretty good. It could be my ticket out this shithole we call la. I hope you buy it. And love, well.. I don't know if you guys are into love wherever you're from, but its pretty rad.I'm relearning everything I thought I knew, and undoing all of the things I've so gladly done. Its a tough process, but a necessary one.I just don't have the passion anymore. I don't have the passion anymore, nor do I have the energy to keep up this facade. Look, dude I'm no one's aspiration. Don't look up to me. I had 2 C's on my last report card. Half my house burned down the other day, I have nothing. I'm a liar, a cheater, and a thief. And so are you. We can only be made pure and perfect through Christ, and if you have the courage to take that journey, then do it. Its the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

Keep your heads up, find out who you are and once you know, never forget. Believe in love, and fight for it everyday. Believe in yourself, because that's all you have. Trust yourself, because who else can you trust? Keep your ear to the ground, and your head in the clouds. Never be anything you're not. Never be desperate. Never be dumb. Don't judge people by their class, color, or creed, decide to deal with them based on how fucking stupid they are! Whenever you get sad, take a nap, and go shopping. It might not be the answer, but it's always worked for me. Don't be mean or rude to anyone who can't defend themselves. Don't look down on people because of what they wear, look down on people because of what they DO. Stay out of the streets, they hold nothing good for you.

Above all, recognize that people change. And change is the most beautiful, and most frightening thing on this Earth.

And with those words of screwed-up half-wisdom,
Peace, love, and everything in between,
Jade Hadley-Magnus.

the beatles-michelle

Everything I love, everything I cherish, everything. Is up in smoke, literally.

I realize now that its never going to get better. Not on its own. I've gotta stop life. I've gotta stop what its doing to me. Its never going to let up. So I'm outta here. Out of this city, out of this state, I am gone. There is nothing holding me back anymore. Nothing. I have no support, no motivation, no smiles, nothing, and now no home.. Nothing has taken on a completely new connotation. I've got nothing. Its so hard to be positive, when everything is negative negative negative. And when shit like this happens. You have no idea. You have no idea of what my life is like.

No one can understand what I go through. And what I've been through. Its so sad that this blog is the only place through which I can communicate effectively, besides a few minimal conversations, once or twice a year. I don't know. I'm so mad right now, and I'm so sad. I just need something. Something that will prove in some sick way, this is all worth it.

I just want to be happy, but God its been so long. There's always a malfunction. Always.
I take away from myself.. Fifty points.

In case you can't tell, I probably will no longer be writing in this thing, at least not for a little while.

To the people who care: all.. three of you maybe: thank you for everything. I love you all.

Sincerely yours,
Jade Alexandria Hadley-Magnus, from California with help from New Jersey and New York,
Signing off.

ps. If any of you is waiting on a sign, to do anything at all: this is it. This is your sign. Do it. Its going to be so worth it. I promise

lost in you.

I've been working so hard, partly to get my mind off of this summer, and the events that have transpired, and partly because it feels good to work. Its like I've finally stepped into reality. Whether this is good, bad, or somewhere in between, I do not know. You tell me.

These past two weeks have been a welcome escape from my usual life. I've been at my mom's.. Sleeping and working and writing. Having interesting conversations and eating good healthy food. I've been sort of a mystery.. I guess that's the best way to phrase it. I don't want to return to la. I don't wanna go to los angeles and see all of the shallow people, and their shallow events, and their shallow pictures, and all of that bulshit. Here, I don't have to deal with it. There, there's no escaping. I've disappeared, and I have no will to re-appear. Its sort of like in Invisible Man.. There's a comfort in being invisible, a weightlessness. Its hard living your life out across a stage. I don't know if you understand..

Yesterday, after an extremely successful dinner, and a pit stop,
Jes, Joy & Leonard came over. We watched a looooot of movies, but the Good Shepherd was very good and I'd already seen Children of Men a hundred times, but its so so so good, I could watch it a hundred more. Clive Owen is thee greatest and I've loved Julianne Moore for ages too. I think a lot of people underestimate film and its power.

Those movies got me thinking.. Its funny because the Jetsons is supposed to take place in 1999. At one time, the U.S was making so many technological advancements that the Jetsons may have one time been feasible.. Unfortunately, the future of the world, and America, in particular, is going to resemble Children of Men a lot more. The sad truth is that the reason why most people in this country are idiots is because America uses its substandard public school system to control its citizens. In the American school system, we are taught to memorize. Never to think. Never to think and examine for ourselves, but to memorize facts. America doesn't want to create intelligent citizens, they want to create obedient citizens, and that's what they have done. Look at so many peoples facebook profiles, under Books: "What are those?" or "I don't read." I wonder if people know how dumb they sound. Its not that everyone has to read Joyce and Faulkner and discuss foreign policy but when you choose not to read, or care about what's going on in the world, you're just letting yourself be controlled. I wonder if people realize how much the United States government depends on their ignorance and unwillingness to learn. We get so swept up int the idea that the world does not affect us. But it DOES. Whether it be gas prices, or taxes we pay that fund these wars.. The United States is not an untouchable island you know. The terrorists proved it to us on September 11. We are as susceptible to danger as anyone else.. The next attack could be in Los Angeles. You don't know. You really don't.

We are so controlled by fear. Right now, they're playing on the fear of immigrants. And there are so many idiots running around talking about, "Send them home! They're using our resources and welfare and lalala" Oh please, shut the fuck up. This country is comprised of immigrants. Each and everyone of us (except Native Americans) are the children and grandparents of immigrants who came to this country for a better life, just like many Mexicans are doing today. Who are you to say that they should "go home." Why don't you go home? If you want to be upset about "taxes", maybe you should be upset about the ridiculous amount of money that has been spent on this war, which is costing you A LOT more money than the "welfare" that "immigrants" supposedly get. Isn't it sad that people are more upset about their tax dollars feeding children and sending them to school, no matter which country they are from.. And not so sad about how their tax dollars are dropping bombs on innocent Iraqi children, and paying Dick Cheney's salary? Ha. All of this immigrant-hate is scarily reminscent of the way Hitler blamed the Jews for all of Germany's problems.. Joblessness, economic slump, etc. Fear has historically been used to mobilize people, and if you are letting it mobilize you, then stop. Its an American tradition to distract Americans with fears who are not really fears: the USSR for much of the Cold War, Iraq, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love this country. I love the people that live here, and all of the traditions, and I would never want to be from anywhere else, but I don't know. Its just upsetting to see people my age just living in these little bubbles, and not even caring.. We as humans are moving farther and farther away from truth and justice and equality.. We are moving deeper and deeper into these gated communities.. We are segregating and secularizing ourselves.. Its human nature to transition and move, but we're moving further into ourselves.. Different is becoming bad again, and we're back at the place where its cool for girls to be dumb, and boys to be strong with nothing else going for them.. Its just upsetting that we live in this fantasy world where everything is okay, when nothing is really okay.

This week, my mother and I had lunch with my old baby-sitter. The bill came out to SEVENTY-NINE THIRTY-FOUR for my mother and I. $79.34! That's like 3 dresses! Very upsetting. My mother told my old baby-sitter that my cousin moved to Inglewood, and Dava said, "There's no beach in Inglewood right?" Haha! I just shook my head and said Noooo Dava. There's no beach in Inglewood. Funny.

I don't know about a lot of things. I'm so confused. Its strange, because confusion is a trait that I can't stand in others, perhaps because it resonates so strongly with me.. I don't know about this week. I don't know about these one-thirty a.m talks and the emotions that come with them. I don't know about waking up and not complaining because this is life and sometimes you just have to do it. I do know that I'm lonely. It may not seem like it, but I am. I do know that I want someone.. But its come to the point where that someone is not just anyone, and maybe I'm not ready for someone or anyone. Maybe I just need to be by myself for awhile. In other news, I am sick. Literally, as well as figuratively. I've been trying to scrub the sadness out of my pores, out of my skin. But no longer how much I wash, there is a residue of longing somewhere on top of my skin.. I am sick and tired of relying on others for happiness. I thought it was something I had grown out of in high school, after spending night upon night crying in a little ball over some ridiculous lost love or another, but then again, I see some things never change, no matter how old you become.

I was winning there, for a little while.

THIS KEYBOARD SUCKS

dear summer,

fuck you. you sucked. you got us all excited starting with a drunk pool party & then left us high and dry. thanks to you & your hot ass weather, many of the bf's in our group swayed & started chasing short skirts n loose coochies! thanks to you & your ridiculous bright ass sun, my mind got infected with summerlove syndrome & started thinking i liked a boy! thanks to you, i have a humongous sunburn on my left leg that looked like someone hit me with a hot cheese grater! the most exciting thing we've done allllll summer is walk down a street while some people rode their bikes nfucking skateboarded. the most exciting thing ive done all summer is go see a bunch of teed movies that i didnt even like & go to the bathroom like 32 times during each one because i have add. the only thing that i have done that is worth any time at all THIS WHOLE SUMMER is laugh with Ashlie about people all day. AND THEN THAT GOT TAKEN AWAY FROM ME TOO! where is the justice summer? Huh?! all we got out of you was a retarded superhero and an even more retarded superstar, teed poems, baby momma drama, a fucking plane to germany, one night of intoxicated blisssss, 2 shopping trips, one fun day wen we were ALLLL together, and a whole bunch of great plans to get revenge if yo man ever starts slippn' (forreal, holler @ me if ur curious!) the one thing i will thank you for is stunt-stuntin is a habittt & the movie Wanted. other than that, i dont care for you @ all. i dont look forward to seeing you next year. in fact, on august 15 when me, ashlie, erin & aricka take our mini vaca. we are going to toast you out of our lives & say hellooo to fall. she might be a little kinder, after all she brings sweaters & new episodes of gossip girl. 

much hate,

jade alexandria hadley-magnus

ps. hey hey-lee, come here. whats wrong with your keyboard hey-lee. this shit doesnt work. all you do is look in the mirror. why are you walking away? come back hey-lee! this keyboard is retarded. i cant even type. jesus christ im so glad i dont have friends. i only have like 4 and i cant even deal with them.

pps. 

EDIT:

WATCH & LOVE ITT! (tip: listen to stand by me at 1:53)

closure

I believe in my heart that this is the last thing I will ever write about you, so I'd better make it good.

Sometimes I think I will run into you somewhere, a year from now.
I could smile at you, and look beyond all of my immature actions and all of your silly words, and look you in the eyes, and think to myself, "Now it is over, as if it never was."

And I know eventually that things do fade away, the details become unimportant, and all you are is a funny anecdote for my friends. "Remember when I was so crazy over -----? I was so silly then. He was nothing worth being upset over.. Nothing at all.." But in this case, I do not want things to fade away completely. I want there to be a slight taste of you in me. I want to be aware of what I felt. Of what you felt. Of the moments where I was understood, and understood in turn. Of the way the trees in the park look when you are leaning beneath them. Of the way little kids peer into grown-up cars when there are a boy and a girl inside because that's what you do you're seven and you're nosy and your brothers taking out the garbage.. And no matter how much the deceit piles up, and the slaps in the face become punches, I don't want to forget.
..Nash and I went outside and took pictures of the sky this evening, and I thought of how you disappear a little more each day, like the sun behind the clouds.
Like I said, I don't want to forget you. I don't. But I know that with someone like you, and someone like me (even though that is basically the same person), sometimes you have no choice but to erase someone completely, most times that's the only thing there is left to do (especially in a situation like this when I can barely say your name, even though I am aching to type it out..)

Let your dreams run through broken paths, let these images sift through your black- and-white fingers..
Isn't it fascinating to think of what could have happened?

and all is infinite in you.
Fin.

teenage wasteland

1. every time she tried to save something, she decided she'd do it later. it hurt badly
2. he looked at her profile in the dark. you are so beautiful. he said. you are so beautiful. i know. she thought.

3. he knew he didn't care anymore when taking a shower seemed more important than calling her back. he hated showers.

4. don't leave, he said. i'm not, she replied rolling her eyes. i just got here. but he knew she was already gone.

5. i'm sorry. he said firmly. is that what you are? she asked.

6. she wanted to know what was hurting him, but she knew it wasn't her, so she didn't ask.
7. he stopped needing her when he stopped believing in her.

8. every time she looked in the mirror, she saw him. and that's how she knew she was in love.
9. i have nothing. she said. i know. he sighed.

10. he didn't love her at all. not even enough to stay away from her.

11. i don't believe in you anymore, she said. neither do i, he shrugged.
10. every time they saw each other, they acted like they were strangers, only it wasn't a game at all. they really did not know each other anymore.

11. fuck you. he said. you're in love with the past. she tilted her head to the side, in the way that made her look like a particularly attentive cocker spaniel. "so. you're in love with the future."

12. i was wrong, she said. and you still are, he replied.

13. i want to be in love, he said, looking at her straight in her eyes. i want to be in love with someone like you, his brain hummed.

14. she climbed in her car, and he watched her long legs slip into the seat. he wondered when he became a pit stop, and not a destination.

15. we're doing the same things we always do, she sighed. what's wrong with that, he said.

16. i dont care, he said. you can say that again, she breathed. i don't care, he said.

17. what about me? she said, then rose an eyebrow.

18. i can't forgive you until you're sorry, she said.

19. he kissed the spot on her back where her wings grew.

20. because he makes me feel good, she said.

21. do i make you feel bad? he said, imitating her confused face.

22. all the time, she replied. without even saying anything, either.

23. every time she looked at him, she saw all of the places where she didn't measure up.

24. they held each other and wondered when it would stop being this good.

25. be honest, he said. i am, she lied.

26. they said goodbye with their eyes, and didn't touch each other again.

27. he felt free when he was with her, and held captive at all other times. he wasn't used to freedom, so he caged himself.

28. he's nice, he said. shut the fuck up, she shouted, feigning outrage. where did you learn such language young lady? he said, rubbing her cheek in the way that she liked.

29. how do you do it? she said. i don't know, he said. well it's only important that you do then, she said carefully.

30. she prayed to God for truth and cried when He gave it to her.

31. she was more beautiful than he remembered, and it made him cringe.

32. you said i love you, he pouted. oh please, she said. what are you, twelve?

33. all she wanted was answers, all he gave her was questions.

34. im sorry, she shrugged. i don't see how kissing me one last time is going to give you closure.

35. im sleepy, he said, yawning. oh no, you're not getting away with that one, she warned.

36. we have our whole lives ahead of us, she said, moving carefully away. maybe you do, he said. but all i got is what you said to me in the car that day.

37. are you sorry? she asked. he thought for a moment. sometimes, he said.

38. i love you, he said seriously. oh please, she scoffed, pushing his arm. that obvious, huh, he replied, smiling.

ghost town

well, i wrote your name and burned it, see the color of the flame,
and it burnt out the whole spectrum, as if you were everything,
mine just burned gold, a normal flame, i am not anything.

all that i remember; the feeling of waking up.
we were kids,

i was the sun to which your eyes could not adjust.
we were kids,

you were a fountain; i could never drink enough.
then, came all the boys who swept me up,

playing careless with my heart.
and every night,
there was a new girl sitting beside you in your car.

something dies when you grow older, but you do the best you can.

I sold out & moved to Vegas

today, i met a boy whose hometown is supposedly jade city, british columbia, which is in canada for all of you who failed geography.
i think he is lying, but regardless, i am impressed., i may visit it someday.

peace Blogger.
i love you Ashlie

post-script: keep dreaming buster ;)

Dear God,

If I can't have what I want, can you at least make me want what I have?

Sincerely,
Jade Hadley-Magnus

tomorrow, i am supposed to leave to head back to lala land, los angeles. i actually have mixed emotions about this, but i am excited to see ashlie & erin and alll my other friends. i wish chantel would come home, now. my dads won 2500 dollars out here., i find that pretttttttty cool. my dad also wants to stay here because he has no things to do in miserable l.a, he says i want to return for my "social life." clearly, my father knows nothing about me, because i have no social life. anyway, while in viva las vegas, i have picked up many new interesting things but #1 would be my handy dandy new robe. i have also picked up a new nickname, as my lil cousin/niece, really thinks that i am princess jasmine, lol. im not quite sure how to take this. im going to miss a & b a loooooooooooooooot, but home home hooooome! i wanna go to melrose & take a nap at zuma.

ok jadelinaa, youve been updated.

This will hurt

To this day, I don't believe your intentions were cruel. I believe that neither of us thought it would become what it did. You might fade with the seasons, I would settle within the bark of the trees. We would never be the shore that the waves would lap upon, instead we would welcome the sea.. It was our understanding that you cannot own dusts, and dusts cannot own you. You can choke on them while they are in your system, but they will escape you, one way or another.

But in the end, words are nothing more than dust to our graves.. It is the feelings which remain floating around our indefinite halos. We are all lead through dirt and riches, we are all lead through salts and ditches, we are all lead-

The ends may not justify the means, and what is right is rarely what is fair. I will try to remember those apologies, as I work on the resurrection of truth and morality in my soul. I gather that I have truth and reality very mixed up right now. The fact remains, that lies are what keep us going. The lies we spill to see the light in another's eyes, the lies we gobble up in order to imitate the loftiness of the skies, the way another's body feels as it lies very close to ours. You just can't feel like that alone. You try

You were almost a reflection of myself, no, not the way you see yourself in mirrors. No, not ever that clear or that pure. You were never that clear or that pure. At first glance, you may burn those atoms, but you were rather colored with contrition and impartiality. Light where I had darkness, dreams where I had nightmares. These are the things we dreamt as we fumbled between shadows, beyond darkness.

In the past, I have withheld everything. This time, I have entrusted everything. Truth almost always comes to cleave your life in two. Before this, I have preferred to dangle on strings entitled Mystery and Deceit. This way, my strings are not cut. This way, I don't fall.

Anyone may say that it was my choice to do what I did, go where I went. I am trying hard to forgive, but it's hard when you have been opened up to the point where you may not be closed. I am once more, a walking open wound. Lightness escapes me with every exhalation. I am drowning.

If it wasn't genuine, that is alright. It felt genuine, and that is what I need to help me move through the motions, these days..

It has been said that I never have dreams, only nightmares. For a while there, I had been swept into the belief that someone so far from perfect as myself may have something so close to perfect.. But like so many other things, what was once very good, became very bad and what once was sweet has left a sour taste in my mouth. .

Last night, as I slept, the image of a sky filled with stars played against my eyelids. I may stop the movements nudging my REM patterns as easily as I may stop the stars dancing into constellations never before seen, by these eyes..

For imagery's sake, tonight, they form a perfect J.

EXTRAA EXTRAA--Read all about it!

"I think I might wife her, yanno powerBlue, Rocawear suit, white Nike her!"

Hmm, where to begin? I have sooo much shit to sayy, its like I'm sitting here, goin over and over what I'm tryna say.. the lesson learned here, the signs not to ignore, but I want to say it in the right way-- Dont get me wrong, by me writing about this situation riiite here, I am trying to hurt someone, if not a few people. Even I'm not above "revenge", persay. But at the same time, I want to let this be a lesson for everyone who reads this shit, so let me start.

Soo many times I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, blogging about my love, life, ETC. Yall may have noticed, the anonymous comments talk'n about a certain Blogging person.. yall may have noticed the comments from people saying "Jade you're so fat and ugly!", ETC. Lmao, yall may have seen all that. But I don't name names in my entries. I dont do it on purpose, because I try to avoid all the unnecessary bitch & nigga drama. It seems pointless to me, my life has gotten to a place I never thought it would, and I realize that I need to put it all out there. Some of yall may have heard the story..whether it be my side, his side, her side, but this is how it really went down, word for word, truth & accuracy.

Hmm, ok imagine this: the most "honest" guy you can meet. Yall begin as friends, but his extra'd out "significant other" [LMAO] acts a damn fool. First of all, this girl researches you and finds out that yall were in the same first grade class. -_-. Lmao, wen you hear this news youre like..whaat. You dont remember the girl. Wouldn't know her if you bumpd into her on the street, but this is just the beginning.. She talks to every mutual person yall know in common. Even gets one to aim you asking, "Do you know anyone @ San Jose?" Lmao, this shit is funny as fuck to you. You can't believe a bitch is this needy & desperate..and at this point youre not even feel'n ol dude like that. Youre like ehhhh., whatever. But one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're lowkey feel'n him.

"I USED to have a girl till I met youu, I bet all the niggas SWEAT you, Now baby bend over [baby, bend overr], wayy too pretty & you're thick tooo; I'll neverr disrespect you"

From day one, yall see each other every day, yall talk day to night, night to day. The emotions seem to be rushing out of control, even though you know he's not over the girl. You tell him over & over again, "I understand if you're not over her, it's hard to go from a 2--year relationship to zipNADA" He denies it all, he flat out lies in ya damn face. Sometimes you notice little shit. But your friends encourage the dalliance to no end.. "Jade hes so nice! Hed never hurt you!" A few people say, "Ehh be wary." But more or less, people love seeing you tied down. They love seeing you seemingly happy, after you've been playin and bein played for so long. Because lets get this straight.. most niggas think bitches are good for sex, and you're of the school that niggas are good for money. He doesn't give you money, and you would never ask for it. You don't wanna taint this "almost perfect" union with an exchange, he seems to be real. Talk about a good actor.. This nigga should win an Oscar. You meet all his friends, he writes you beautiful text messages that sound like they're straight out of a movie. You start to fall for it. One night, after you get into one of a trillion of the little arguments that you have, he tells you something he's never told "anyone" before. A couple weeks later, you share with him things about your childhood that you've never shared with anyone. You're such a closed person, and he begs you to open up. "Jade tell me everything, I need you to tell me everything."

Then, the bottom starts to fall out. An aim situation develops.. The "Jade is fat and ugly" comments spiral out of control, and it all comes to a head one night. The funny thing about it is the girl looks like Lil Bow Wow's twin brother. LMAO, you've seen one picture of her, but wen you ask people, even her friends, they look like they just saw a ghost, "Nooooo Jade, theres no comparison. She's an average girl. Nothing special, you kill her." WHOMP! The sad thing is, you pitied her, you know what it's like to end a relationship, but you literally CAN.NOT believe that a college student is this petty, & immature.

"Takin out the tiiime, to give YOU a piece of my mind.. Who do you think you aree? Baby ONE day-- you'll be a star.. CAN'T knock the H U S T L E"

Lmaoo, you're through with him and the situation. You're tryna get out before it gets anymore serious. Then he texts you the longest message you've ever received and part of it is, and I quote, "Jade you are one of the only reasons I wake up in the morning. I'm about you, only you. I want you, and only you. There's nobody else I want. It's over, she'll leave you alone, I promise. I want you" It brings tears to your eyes, you wonder if maybe for once, you will be happy.

The next weeks only get better and better, you speak the words I love you to each other. You spend more and more time together, it feels like a dream. You guys laugh about the same things, you love the same movies, you laugh so hard when you're together, it's a perfect fitl, persay. But you notice he's so secretive about his phone. One day you read his away message and it's lyrics from SongCry. You feel sick to your fucking stomach. Now you really ARE done. You turn off your phone, block him. Then he shows up to your house, you're not fuckn with him, and you repeat it over and over again. Every time you tell him youre THRU, he threatens you. As you walk into your house he honks, and he yells out the window, "Jade I love you!"

You give in. You talk all day, and then the next day he acts weird, standoffish. He tells you, "Jade I'm confused, I don't know what I want." After the most miserable day you can remember, you finally talk. He speaks the words you've known all along, "Jade I thought my feelings for her would go away.", "Jade we moved so fast.", "Jade I rushed into loving you because I wanted to be loved like how I have been for two years.", "I don't know what I want.", "Where do we go from here.", "Jade I never meant to hurt you.", "Jade I'm so confused." YOURE LIVID. You've been upset and crying all day and your worst suspicions were confirmed. You say every real & hurtful thing you can muster. he says he doesn't wanna be done with you, but he's just so "confuuuused" and in the morning, he has the nerve to have some fucking sad ass away message like he's so hurt, ETC.

Ladies, let me reiterate this right here: Love DOES exist, but I doubt you will find it from these triflin ass niggas out here! NEVER EVER lower ya standards, NEVER! NEVER EVER let a teed bitch disrespect you. NEVER EVER let a nigga play games with ya heart! There are sooo many malicious, hurtful things I could say about both of them, but I'm not goin out like that. I'm not gon be the one to be as immature and idiotic as both of them have been. I'm better than that, even though they're not. The sad thing is, this dude is gonna be miserable for the rest of his damn days.. He's gonna be miserable with her because he was unhappy while they were together, and if he's apart from her, he's gon be miserable because he's so muthafuckin dependent on a bitch. PSHH-- "I'm gooood." I really have never been hurt in this manner before. All the love in my heart has melted into disgust. He disgusts me. Literally, every time I think about him, I feel the bil,e rise up in my throat, like I'm gonna vomit. He's the most disgusting pathetic kind of liar you can imagine, because he believed the fuckn lie. He's said before that I'm the best thing that's happened to him, and now I'm done. I will never look at him and see anything close to good, or pure, or true. I will look at him and see a sad confused child. Trust and know this is noooot thee end! Lmao, if you know me, you already know I'm crazy, so I will get my comeuppance, trust and beliiiieve. Damn nigga, I got an iq of 150, you thought you was finna fool me?! Yall who talk shit, damn all I got to say is yall broke muthafuckas need to get a damn HOBBY. You feel me? Get a job writin teed away messages, Lmao! Little girls and boys should know never play games with people who can play them better.

"& I'll NEVER let a bitch Lil Bow Wow me!"

EDIT: My Big bro, Big Jesse, just gave me the scoop from a nigga's perspective, and while I understand, because I am a very understanding person but trust & believe, your confusion DOES NOT justify you hurting me.

"My heart is in two different places, I got you in my life & I wanna do RIGHT, But it's hard to let it go when my love has two different faces & I can't pretise cause they both look right..Someone tell me what's a man to do, when he's loving two & he don't wanna lie, but he can't tell the truth"..

the weather is here, wish you were beautiful

At this point I feel like I'm the best at what I do, period. If you dont agree, your opinion is irrelevant.

As an artist and writer, I'm still growing & changing and expanding, but at the end of the day, it's no one out here doing what I do the way I do it. Past all the stupid ass conspiracy theories about the end of the world, and the hormones in fuckin chicken, and all that other poppycock bullshit, the world is beyond fucked up. Believe that. And it's wayy more feasible than the Mayan calendar and the year 2012. We are mortal, so niggas need to stop livin like they'll never die. It's time to get right, in all areas of life: turn my heart back over to the Lord, chill on all these other hoes & deal with just one, and get to rectifying my mistakes. The word tatted on my back is Forgiven. & because I'm forgiven, I can't help but forgive. For all yall out here, who attempt to shit on me & mines daily, I won't even say Fuck you, even though thas how I was feeling not too long ago. You're forgiven. Small people can't help but try to bring special people down. But at the end of the day, let me restate that there is nothing you can do to bring me down. You can call me hoe, bitch, stupid, ugly, fake, ETC.. I know exactly who I am, so you don't get to tell me. Once I started being me, I never stopped. That's the beauty in being human.

Listen, love is the only thing worth fighting for. If any of you out here are pushin people out of your lives who love you, you're fuckin up. Don't take those people for granted, don't assume that those people will be there when you're ready to have them. That's not how life works. If you have people out there who really ride for you & yours, then hold on to em, cause they dont come along too often.

You can only do wrong for so long.. Don't try to run from God, He finds you e-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e. Trust & believe.

-J

29:13

"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me."

another fucking wonderful day in the life of Jade right?
HA!

I hope all of you fucking bitches who have been trying so hard to bring me down are happy because you're winning! Really, three cheers to you, and a bow for a sweeping grand finale.

Where to begin?
I have like 3 friends in the fucking world; I hate all of you.
La. is such a disgusting place. So many of you are fucking bitches and all of you are full of shit. Don't pretend to care about me, and also, dont fucking talk shit about me. I love how its always these random fucking la people who are all "HEY GIRL HEYY!" in real life that have learned to perfect the perfectly rude anonymous comment and snide whisper; so without further ado, fuck you all.
I'm so fucking sick of people spreading lies and bullshit about me and trying to destroy my friendships and my relationships and everything about me.. I'm sorry that you all hate me for no fucking real reason but get a fucking life and stop interfering with mine; it's so pathetic. I'm sorry that you are so insecure that talking shit about me makes you feel better but I really don't give a shit. I'm sorry that you're jealous, yea, let me repeat, jealous. All of you are just sad because you're disgusting people and inferior in every way, but most importantly your personality and brains are inferior. It's sad, I'm crying right now. But I'm crying for you. I really feel bad for you, it must be so shitty to be trapped in a cycle of insecurity and self-hate. It's so fucking lame, and you should really learn to be happy with who you are, no matter how revolting you are on the inside, and outside too. I'm sorry that you think I stole your fucking boyfriend, which I did not. I'm sorry you and all of your pathetic little friends sit around and talk about how fat I am. I'm sorry you and all of you who have ever said one thing about me when yousit around and talk shit and shit and shit and more shit about something that have really nothing to do with you and you don't even know the fucking story. I'm sorry the whole world thinks I talk shit about them when I don't even know who they fucking are! It's so funny because I didn't know who any of you were until today! And you've spent the last couple weeks running your dirty little mouths about me. Ha! All of you need to shut the hell up! And read fucking books, so you won't spend your time pining after people who don't like you or want to be your friend.

fuckers.

Don't try to fool me, you might think I'm stupid but maybe thats because you're stupid enough to think I havent figured you all out. I'm so mad right now it's not even funny. Now go throw yourselves a fucking party. Idiots.

One last question! Two dollars to the first person who can give me a legit answer! If you plan on being my enemy as soon as you meet me, why do you waste your time trying soo sooo sooooooo hard being my friend?

the unbearable lightness of being..

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. "

Something about the approaching anniversary of the first year since I've graduated from high school, and ineffectively left my childhood behind, has made me obsess over my old childhood friends and tastes.. I must have watched Clueless a million and two times in the past couple of weeks! Some of the memories almost seem bathed in sunlight.. a perpetual summer's day, if you know what I mean. I'm not foolish enough to reminisce about those days, and say, "Everything then was so much better! Man I wish I was eight again!" Honestly, the idea of going back to the days when the way a girl looked at me could make me dissolve into tears, makes me itch all over. Haha.. If anything, when I look back, I miss people. I miss the days when Austyn and Bretyn were just a few steps away, and I miss when people I loved were still alive. It's not necessarily the people..but perhaps the proper word is their presence. I miss the comfort of knowing that Kyle was just one house away. It's been awhile, but you never stop missing people. You can try, but you'll always feel a little empty. But this has just been my experience..

Even when I was small, I wasn't necessarily a bouncy little ball of carefree energy with smiles for everyone.. At six, and seven, and eight, I had problems with my body and home that most people don't experience until their teens, and some never experience at all.. I think I've always felt a lot older than I really am, and this has made my whole life, pretty much, significantly different. I've always looked at things from the perspective of an adult, because for a long time, I was only surrounded by grown-ups. Even the social graces I extended were those of a woman, not a girl. Even now, I look at most people and friends older than me, and see immaturity written all over their faces and actions. But I don't blame these people for their actions or ideals.. In fact, I envy these people, able to exist in little bubbles of their own where the only things they have to worry about are school, and work, and the next time they're going to get laid.. Sometimes, I think about how lucky these people must be; obviously Life has never jarred them into reality, and their biggest problem really IS they can't afford the newest Jordans, or whatever. Amazing! Lol.

At the age of eighteen, I feel very very old. I feel like I've experienced..and not necessarily overcome, so much.. Not nearly as much as everyone, and I'm not throwing a pity party for myself.. I just think. I would never experience everything I have all over again, but I am glad that I have. I think it's made me a more interesting person.. When I go to the beach, I see the coast of Rhode Island, and the oceans of the Carribbean.. I think that's the best way to describe what I'm trying to say. I can relate to almost anyone, and I think this is what makes me different.. Not that my past hasn't left scars.. It would be pretty idealistic of me to think that I escaped unscathed. Past neuroses still affect me today.. My obsession with mirrors and my appearance is a running joke and sometimes I find myself so lost in thought that I can't shake myself out of it! I'm more okay, than not okay now. This past year has really been a time of realization.. I've had so much time to think and figure out who I am.. Something I really haven't had time, or courage for, in the past. It's like, for so long, I was a walking open wound. Anything and everything could affect me, and change my path. But I don't blame anyone.. I really feel like everyone in my life did the best they could possibly do, at that time. If we sit around and blame others for the way we turned out, and the decisions we made, we'd be blaming everyone for everything, all day.. Because everyone can blame someone for something else, but where would that leave us? I think it's important to know that most people don't intentionally hurt us. Most people are honestly oblivious to the consequences of their actions! And even when they do, they're inflicting pain, as a result of their own pain. And when you understand that people only hurt you because they're hurt themselves, well you can't really be upset anymore, can you? But this once again, takes perspective, and you can't just have perspective, you have to earn it. So with another lonnnggg post under my belt, I am off to Huntington Beach for lunch, and dinner. Happy Father's Day. May all your wishes come true, and mine too.

pretty fucking ecstatic & grateful right about nowwwwwwwww

update.

For everyone who doesn't know, today is an official holiday.. me & Ashlie's #1 obsession.. Free Hot Dog on a Stick Day! Yayayayyaya!

Summer has started off quite well.. This is kinda surprising to me, actually. I am rather enjoying summer, and all of the things that have been coming with it. Even though I haven't done much besides run around la. with my friends & be a lil' sneak/Tusha with a funny, random boy.. That is enough for me. I have watched every single Lakers game with Ashlie Adams.. what a cute lil' tradition that is, along with her amazingly goodlooking fourteen year old brother.. I would like to make him a tradition. *raising eyebrows suggestively. I have been having fun for practically the past two weeks, every day seeing Ashlie, or Chantel, or Erin, or.. lol. I would say more, but I don't want to jynx it, so I'll leave it at that. I will say that Austyn, Eric, Mona & little baby Jace will be here in less than a week, and I am excited in so many ways, I can't even put it into words. I will also say that it's strange, because all of these exciting people who I have always admired from a distance, have been inviting me to all of these wonderful places, which I have always wanted to go to.. And I just don't have a taste for those people, or those places.. I find myself sinking away from people I was once very very close to, just because I am busy doing other things with other people. Certain people have made efforts, but, honestly, I have the time.. I am just missing the motivation. Funny how life works out.

Anyway, I shall soon be heading to Viva Las Vegas with my friends, right before Chantel leaves for Germany for six whole weeks.. There are many implications going along with her trip to Germany, among them being: no more double dates, no more phone calls [because calling to Europe is expensive], and no more random days running around los angeles & hiding on discreet little side streets.. I love her, I really do. But..hopefully I will be joining her in Paris for a few days in July. We'll see..


At the age of seven years old, I saw my supposed "best friend" Pamela cavorting around with my first love, Jorge. As naive and dramatic as I was then, I could literally see storm clouds gathering above their heads.. The trail of impending doom, if you will. Well, needless to say our friendship ended, and I received prank calls at my house for a month after. She recently contacted me via myspace.com & apparently she is now super religious, married to a man in the military, and pregnant with one already born. Ever since then, I have always imagined Pamela as some evil, boyfriend-stealing hussy out to ruin people's romantic lives forever & ever.. I suppose life is always this funny/ironic.


Also, today, someone almost got killed after leaving my house. The circumstances are pretty funny, but the reality of being killed is not. I've been thinking a lot about life, and the fragility of it. And how at any moment, one of us could have a brain anyeuresm, and cease to exist. I've also been thinking a lot about what I would leave behind, if I were to die tomorrow, or right now. And I wouldn't leave behind much of a legacy, besides this blog. For many people, this might be enough, and I must admit that the idea that every day, roughly 550 different people all over the world, take the time to read my thoughts, and occasionally comment, is pretty cool. But I would like to leave behind more than this, if you know what I mean. If I were to die right now, I feel like I would go to Hell. This makes me sad in all the ways you can't understand.. I feel a hundred miles from pure.. And I am not doing much to rectify my current situation. Pathetic. At one point in my life, I had so much purpose. I was making changes in so many people's lives, and doing so much to better myself, and those around me, but my purpose seems to have fallen away.. I always said that I would never turn to writing, because it was so selfish, but I find myself wanting to do that with my life, along with being a social worker. My parents are about 2.5% behind a possible future career as a social worker, but that is alright with me. I have never been one for seeking approval. It's a little disturbing to me how so many people in the world have no clue what they want to do, besides being famous, or being an actor, or singer, or dancer. If that is your passion and you are a master of your craft, then go ahead.. But everyone on the planet is so self-obsessed, and just wants to be everywhere, and know everyone. I suppose, I'm not one to talk with my thoughts & life splayed across the internet, but I don't know. People wanting everyone to know their name.. It's just a little pathetic. Maybe because I've grown up around it, the world of entertainment is so shallow and heartbreaking.. People are so quick to jump in that world, without knowing the implications of that life. I don't know why anyone would willingly submit themselves to that world where nothing is real, but I guess most people don't really want reality.. They want fantasy. That's why we all are so absorbed in the internet, "the virtual world", if you will. Where any and everyone can cloak themselves in anonymity and become anyone at all without a second thought.


Things are sort of falling apart around me now, but I can say that although I am sad, I am not devastated. That is what they do.. Things fall apart. They have no choice to. You can't just sit around and mourn the loss of people and things, and in this case, places.. Loss is a part of life. You will lose as much as you will gain, if not more.. I suppose the idea that anything will last forever is a rather immature thought process. It's funny, because we humans are always using the word forever, but we really have no concept of the word forever. Minutes feel like hours to us, when all they really are, are specks in a timeline.. Our whole lives don't measure up to anything at all.. We don't even know what forever is. However, the loss of this one thing, in particular, is especially sad, concerning the people & circumstances surrounding it, and all of the beautiful amazing things I have experienced here, but your heart can only break so many times, if you know what I mean.

I am listening to Blink right now, which makes me sad. I always wanted to see them in concert, but thanks to fantasy-ruiner#1 & asshole extrodinaire, Tom deLonge, I will never ever see them live. "Carousel" was my favorite song for practically my whole life & the beginning of I Miss You still gives me goosebumps. I guess I should add Blink182 to the long list of bands that I will never, ever, ever see in concert.. Among them are: Led Zeppelin, The Allman Brothers Band, Stillwater, Nirvana, ETC. Hopefully I will see Death Cab in concert before I die.. Sigh. That would make my life complete, along with waking up one day to see Kim Kardashian's face transplanted on mine, as well as an eighth Harry Potter book concentrating on the Maurauders. Sigh

Since it's summer, all of the anonymous commenters are sneaking out their little cocoons, to swirl up a world of drama in the lives of Ashlie, Jade, & Erin. And I don't really know what to do with all of you.. I suppose no matter what I do, or say, you're going to have something rude/unnecessary to say.. So to you I will say:


peace, love, and everything in between,
J
post-script: I apologize as this was very longggg.. If you read this whole thing, I am impressed! Lol!

lol this bitch is crazy!

"..and the very old men--some in their brushed Confederate uniforms-- on the porch and the lawn, talking of Miss Emily as if she had been a contemporary of theirs, believing that they had danced with her and courted her perhaps, confusing time with its mathematical progression, as the old do, to whom all the past is not a diminishing road but, instead a huge meadow which no winter ever touches, divided from them now by the narrow bottleneck of the most recent decade of years."

17. Probably my favorite thing in the world is reallly connecting to another person..I have never had a seriously intellectual connection as well as a sexual attraction to the same person. Its always one or the other..

You are my favorite secret.."& its all because of You" =]

after all these years, i still love britney..

sorry, im just a nerd i guess. lol

Don't do meth!

stop right now! thank you very much, i need somebody with a human touch

You are obviously very very unintelligent if you haven't noticed that the only funny parts in Donnie Darko are the following:
Therapist: Has Donnie ever mentioned his friend Frank?
Parents: No.
Therapist: The giant bunny rabbit..
Dad: WHAT?!?!?!
..anndddddd
Donnie: How does it feel having a wacko for a son?
Mom [awkward sheepish look in her eyes]: It feels..wonderfulllll

hahahahahahahaaaa

I look extremely FAT..but id just eaten the biggest meal of my life.& I was @ home. Other than that..lol.
ps. Its not a loose track! Lol.. Its rounded..a piece of hair..lol

I need some inspiration. I feel like I'm losing my ability to write.

I just ate so much cookie dough. I hope I get salmonella. And, like always, I have chosen the absolute worst person to like. COOL!

Guys Like That You're Fun

You're the type of girl guys brag about knowing That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you

What Do Guys Like About You?

Too bad they left out the part about this so-called FUN-ness leads to the downfall of every single one of my "relationships"

A photo album, without the photos.

When you are very young, certain things just cheer you up. For me, it was English muffins with cheese on them, and my father's opera music. Funny because I don't remember either. Funnier, because there aren't that many things that bring a smile to my face these days.. In those days, I went to a school called Science of the Mind, where, at the age of two and a half, I learned to read. Weekends were spent at my grandmother's with my first and only friends, Austyn and Bretyn Burton. My mother and father broke up pretty early, and once when my mother wanted me to meet her new looove, she enticed me with, "Jade, he's going to buy a lot of new toys.." Upon seeing him, I turned to my mother and said, "Mommy, I don't want any new toys." Then came CLINT, in mymind, the funniest man I had ever met, who played Barbies with me, and wrote scripts on yellow pads. It was him who moved us to the most beautiful home ever, on aptly named Valleyheart, in the Valley. Before I knew it, I was in the heart of the Garden State, living right on the Hudson River where, I believed, if I shouted, those in Manhattan might hear me. Complete and utter seclusion. No friends, except for Babysitters Club books. In those days we practically lived with a certain famous actor, whose name I will not say hear, because a. its unimportant b. i could tell you some really hilarious stories about him and his crazy ass family, but I don't wanna get sued. Ha. Then God sent me Christina, a nanny of sorts, who became my mother's second daughter, and whose father did not love her. My mother was so unhappy, she used the pay phone in the dry cleaning room at our complex, and smoked cigarettes and missed home. I spent a great deal of time obsessing over Mr. Gregory Toback, Peter Pan in the school play, Mr. I wish you were mine, Mr. Perfect (Giggle, giggle) A trend of leaving, and coming back. Living at the Beverly Hills Hotel for some weeks, and then the Sportsmen's Lodge. Parties at the Children's Museum, and shopping all over New York City, and ballets in Central Park, with my goofy older brother whose remembered antics can brighten my day, even when reality is really really awful. Print modeling with my little turkey of a baby brother, Chase. I was in the National Enquirer once! (I swear it.) I didn't rebel in those days, I just cried, and accepted it.

Then back to Los Angeles-the trip ends here. Shopping sprees with my father and Auntie Toni, and I literally mean, go into this store and get everything you can fit in your arms.. You have three minutes, now GO! Carpenter Avenue School, where I learned to be happy. Nashida Paquette, Nancy Jaimes, Brittany Jones, and Lily Strand. Nash's costume party, where I was a Steve Madden Angel and Caroline was a Limited Too Bitch. Haha. Sixth grade, at Chyna Tang's pool party, where I got my first peck from a little green-eyed wonder named Paul. Later on he asked me if I would do it again (Did someone dare you to? No. I just liked it) Beauty pageants, and winning them all. Chantel Russell, and Breanna Walker. From then on, it was us.. Walking around Studio City with nothing to do, and sleepovers every Friday, where Pizza Hut always knew our order. Stealing sunglasses, and lipgloss from Citywalk, because we were bored, and that's what you do when you have no car, and no one to drive you anywhere. Going to Marlborough. Eden, and Patryze, and Kelly.. and Emily Goldwyn. The Galleria, Century City, Westwood, "The Ghetto Boyz." Little velour Juicy sweaters became all the rage, and Larchmont became a destination. Rumors, and Burn Books. Britney Spears became an obsession, and being bitchy became a personality trait. Emily's Oscar party, where family friends like Barba Streisand, Reese Witherspoon, and Quentin Tarantino just hung out.. Emily, Emily,Emily. The person I miss probably most from my past.. Someone who would just make me laugh and laugh. Her obsessions with Tobey Maguire and Leonardo DiCaprio bring smiles to my face to this day. Career Day where Shireen fell off the golf cart,and the idea that Adrien Brody was smoking a doooobie.. Obsessions with Clueless.. We grew apart.. A summer spent with Deejai and Kenny and Paige and Austyn and Bretyn. The Breadbox (AYE! AYE AYE!).. Days spent riding around with Kyle,and Amir, and hot days spent on Edgehill. Night sleeping on scratchy couches and watching Midnight Love.. Tacos at Puerto Nuevo, Darian the Pest, I can go on forever and ever. I am forever grateful to Deejai for giving us those last moments with Kyle, and the best summer I can remember.

Then these last years, so hard, ups and downs so great, it almost hurts to recount them.. Kyle's death. A loss of innocence, threads pulling themselves off as fast as they can go. Time moves so fast.. Taft High School, and Erin and Ashleigh. Jack in the Box and Rosie's. A year spent with friends who aren't even friends anymore.. My first love, or so I thought.. Faith, the best thing that has ever happened to me. Long days eating after school, ands leepovers at her house, and her mom's cookies, and parties where I danced for the first time. Concerts and shows and so much shopping at Bloomingdales'. The Juicy obsession covered up other things.. The Persian Mafia, and my inclusion into such. Chantel Russell and our endless squealing over two useless boys.. Nash moved and I cried and cried. Akia and Brittany, and how my heart opened up to them. Dr.Berchin who taught me more than anyone. Listening & discovering Damien Rice and then saying "All I Want for Christmas, Is YOU!".. And getting everything but you. Breanna became my closest friend, and free movies, and skipping school to hang out at 5923 Corbin Avenue became the thing to do. Zac and Ryan and Taylor: smoking and acting so so stupid. Tokyo Delves and birthdays. Brandon Kirby who became my best friend, and closest confidant. Him driving me everywhere and us listening to Teena Marie SO LOUD. Sleeping on my lawn waiting for him to come get me. All of this time spent with Faith, getting into fights then crying to each other later. The Cobalt, and how I wanted to leave soo bad. Michael and Patrick! Intense debates and The Office. Taxis and police. The rave at my house. March-April-May, the ups were so up that it was bound to hurt when I came down.. I was changing and I didn't even know it. A dry summer, with a lot of honesty, and little else..Jamba Juice and Jayme and Josh. Another party at my house where Josh hurled all over my living room and Breanna stayed in my room and watched Comic View. Persian dinners at Reza's with a lot of watermelon. My introduction to Fresh2Def. Haha. Fresh2Def Ladies double HAHA.

Since then, it's been good, and it's been bad, and it's been flat out okay. I have definitely loved and definitely lost. I have laughed and I have cried at appropriate times (even if for inappropriate people.) The answer is yes, I still do smile, maybe not like I used to.. But it's because so many things that I have smiled for, have been lost, or disappeared, or been taken from me, before my very eyes.. And although my innocence may no longer be at one hundred percent, it is still there, and I can smile and laugh like I used to, if I try.. Writing this, showed me, that if anything, I can be happy. And I am going to get that happiness back, for now. Because right now is the only goddamn thing that matters anyway.

post-script: If you read this whole thing, then I am really amazed :)

Things are so much worse than I let on..

When three a.m rolls around, and the light constricts at my temples, the shadows find a way to grab. I toss and turn, in hopes that you might come back, resurface in a dream, reappear when I expect you to, the least.. Reality is the bearer of our bad news, your good news, my sad news.. I will bear and bear, for you. Every time I miss you, I count to ten, and listen to the sound of my stomach dropping to my knees.. I don't get butterflies anymore..rather, killer bees of some sort, who eat at the corners of my heart.. I guess I've grown accustomed to it though. I don't cringe at all

I fucking hate how life works. J'espere. j'espere avec TOUT mon coeur.

Things I Want..

there are over six billion people in this world,

but sometimes, you just need one.

post-script: I am seriously considering a nose job.

sore loser.

Everything's happening too fast and I'm not even making sense. Count to ten, and hide and seek. All these years.. it's the seeking that's escaped me.

Ask Jade

On Tuesdays, I have like nothing to do, except for send Erin hilarious pictures from the internet & gossip with Ashlie.. SO, while drinking my morning Tea, I had a brilliant idea.. Usually this blog is all about me & my blahblah problems & writing & shit.. And well.. 24,239 views didn't come from me.. So, today, it's going to be Ask Jade day! Is your boyfriend cheating on you? Are your parents always on your back? Do you have some weird fungal foot infection? Ask me.. I give like really good bitchy advice. Comment anonymously, if you're embarrassed or something. OH & I chose this picture, cuz my mouth is open, and I look like I'm talking or something. Like I'm giving advice, riiight?

-That's all cheres. Let em roll!

Happy Birthday, I miss you so much.

I have always been searching for a something, and a somewhere. Something to fill me up, and something to make me feel. At one time in my life, I only wanted to speak from experience. I wanted to know life. I wanted excitement, and glory, and I wanted pain.. Although I didn't know it then, that's all I was headed toward.. Pain was all I knew, and all that I would ever have. That sort of path only leads to a lonely life, surrounded by no people, but experience. Sad; for experience is the greatest teacher, but far from the dearest friend.. For he, Experience, has brought me to my knees many, many, many times. It never gets any easier.. None of it ever gets any easier..

When I was very young, I used to pray that everyone I love would die at one time, so I would never be without them. But, God is not a genie, and he realizes prayers, not wishes.. So, here I am, on your birthday, without you. I won't say it's okay, but I'm dealing. So, I still believe in you, in spite of having lost you.

Some days, I think I'm forgetting you and all that you were for us. It happens.. you unroll so subtly that it's like you were never there at all.. But I hope, in my most serious of hearts, that you forgive my forgetting. Maybe that's all hearts are meant for..holding some memories close, and pushing the most painful away.. Memory gives me these, very very late on a Saturday night/Sunday morning: harsh words, and an English accent; I only fumbled in your presence. You kept two televisions on at all times, and stuffed pennies into the the holds of your closet.. Grace even in your smallest of gestures.. Stupid things, insignificant things, and those, plus your hands, and your heart, and your ears, the color of your eyes..brown with grey rimming the pupils, as if only that part of your frigid psyche had been graced with the remains of angels..

The sum is greater than the parts, that's what I'm trying to say. Who you are didn't die with your body. You were more than that. That's what I want you to know. That I miss you, I miss you a lot, but, to quote an old song, "you are everything, and everything is you." Your insides are running, and being run. You can never die, all you do is change forms, and energies, and means. You are the piece of paper that Austyn scribbles notes on, and you are the blanket covering Bretyn right now as she sleeps, and you are the dream that raises like vapor from my lips.. You are in every one of Jace's smiles, and every one of Luca's tears. You are the doorway I walk beneath, you are the porch light, the school night, the awkward grace of sentences that don't end when they're supposed to.. The honesty I may display.. Again, my life is reflected in the weather, like a book. I'm all alone here. Left with the casual acceptance of your absence, but oh, how it wears upon our bones, like every tick of a clock when you are dreading an appointment..

We have to forgive to survive, here. We can forgive and survive, or we can die with broken promises and old pictures rotting in our hearts. And I choose here. Here sucks, but I choose it.

I think of where you may be sometimes. I think of your ashes spread across the park with your name, and I think of where those ashes may have ended up. Maybe coating a branch, or dissolving into nothing in the sky, resting on the V of a rainbow.. Disappearing like gossamer wing, only meant for the supernatural eye.. Sometimes, I imagine that an afterlife is something I dreamt up, to ease my pain. To imagine that all of the many people I have lost, have slipped on their armour of light and are only basking in the glow of eternity.. But I don't know. Nights like this make me sure that nothing is real, but what is here. That nothing is real but raw emotion, and pavement, and tears, and blood.. I believe in you, because I'm a believer. You taught me that, so I do believe there's a somewhere. And I do believe you're there.

Happy Birthday, my Baba. May your journey be saturated with wisdom, and truth. And may we never forget forgiveness and the Light, and how to use both, without losing ourselves too.

Sincerely,
Jade Alexandria Hadley-Magnus,
Believer.

So. Much. Suspenseeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only you knew!

Best dressed people.. Ever.

Mhmmm GOOD! Now she can leave my man Jackie Long alone!
Oo baby..

Indifference has the most truthful memory..

Gabcast! Indifference has the most truthful memory.. #1



I hated you, and I loved you. Although I didn't know the difference then, and am not sure if I know the difference now. That's why feelings matter so little in this fucked up world, because you're never really sure if they're authentic. It doesn't matter. Memories keep our treasure close to us. Dreams give us happiness, and lies keep our puppet strings close to the puppeteers of our choice. At that time, I would rather dangle in between the shades and shadows of your ever-changing reflection, where you were far to touch and near to hear, than to be chopped to the floor. "O", how you made things difficult.

Listen, people lie. People lie. They lie and they lie and they lie.. To themselves most of all. I should have never doubted your nature or your presentation. Remember, things are only so true when your eyes are closed.

Love's memory is lovely too, or just the illusion of.. So let's remember. We were younger than we are now. It should have never been what it became. The game of playing grown up spun far far out of control. As attraction grew, so did our determination at hiding it from each other. We tried so hard to keep it light and unimportant. We took more and more from each other, and gave less and less back. When I saw you, I was reminded of the truth. Pain reminded me of you too. So it was all good.

Closure is a present that was never given to me; but then again, I can't stop the words from coming out the way they do. There's a certain point where I can't talk about it anymore, or else I'll get lost for real. Lost in a much different way than I could ever get "lost in your eyes." This isn't a movie.

Do I want you back?

No, I'd rather dream of you instead.

And all is imprecise in you.

Right.

In advance, I'm sorry. You might not be in the mood to read this. I'm actually not in the mood to write this, but its necessary..bound to happen, if you know what I mean.Things have escalated in the past year. You go from an almost perpetually sad, listless person who does sad, listless things and can barely concentrate on life because you're so busy trying to work through your many, many problems to feeling like you're in some bad teen movie, where everyone is beautiful and the fun never stops. You go from a therapist's chair to being gossiped about on the internet. One day you're barely alive and the next you have a fanpage. It's sad, but a different kind of sad than you're used to. Because this kind of sad can't be fixed with counseling..it depresses you to click-click-click around the internet and see people say mean things about the way you look, talk, dress, act. It depresses you when people ask what kind of shampoo you use because you can remember a time when the only thing you could cling onto was the way you looked. You're strong, no doubt. But there's only so much one person can take. You move around like it amuses you, smile, even laugh a little. You smile, even though nothing's really changed, you know? You're still the same person who is so paranoid she keeps a mirror with her at all times, its a disease--the need to constantly look, compare, survey.

So things move on. Obviously. Do you think life is going to stop in its tracks because a few worthless people talk shit? Never has, never will. Your routine changes a little, maybe you stay home more. But you still wake up, go to work, go to school, come home, listen to sad songs that remind you of who you used to be, and go to sleep. Sometimes your mother asks, 'Why do they say all of those mean things on the computer?' But fuck it, you know. Inside, you feel something awakening, or bubbling rather. You feel yourself slowly morphing into someone who doesnt care. Fuck it become your two favorite words. You learn to leave things in the past and let go. It becomes nothing to you to throw away something you used to love or delete numbers from your phone book. At night, you sigh and talk to God. Life is not easy, but who ever said it would be? You can deal with the bullshit because you're a believer. You've got more faith in the world than a fucking priest and you won't stop, can't stop. Not now.

You know that you're different from everyone else because you always have been. You can lose yourself inside of your head for hours..always at the breaking point, without actually breaking. But you won't break, you just bend. You live your life for art, and make apologies for nothing, and for no one. You don't get lost in all of the mess around you. Instead, You look in the mirror and you smile and you say: I'm young. I'm healthy. I've got my whole fucking life in front of me. Did you really think you were going to stop me?

Mhm. Just like thaaaat

Outta my system.

*jstaliiilbit of AIM laughter for ya..

Retard (2:25:39 AM): Jade
Retard (2:25:48 AM): them chilly fries were off the chain huh
Retard (2:26:05 AM): im like shittin bricks tho
jadelinaa (2:26:35 AM): Chili fries?
jadelinaa (2:26:44 AM): Watthefuck?
Retard (2:27:11 AM): rememba u got chilly fries one day at skool
Retard (2:27:17 AM): well i just had some just now
Retard (2:27:34 AM): and i am shittin
jadelinaa (2:27:48 AM): LMAO
jadelinaa (2:27:50 AM): stop..please
Retard (2:28:00 AM): lol
Retard (2:28:04 AM): a nigga likes when u laff
jadelinaa (2:28:14 AM): -_-
jadelinaa (2:28:20 AM): wat are u talken about?
Retard (2:28:41 AM): anyway i was thinkin
Retard (2:28:47 AM): do u like lil momma?
jadelinaa (2:28:55 AM): ..
jadelinaa (2:28:57 AM): No.
Retard (2:29:13 AM): cuz she performin at the homies bday party
Retard (2:29:49 AM): he havin 1 of them sweet 16s where u put it on the sweet sixteen website
Retard (2:29:52 AM): n yahh
Retard (2:29:56 AM): i wanted u on my arm
Retard (2:30:02 AM): u gotsta dress like u in the souljah boy video tho

"I'm too attached, my heart won't let me fall back..I got it bad, that's what you can call that (ah)..When I see you in the streets, that's the worse for me. Used to love the little things you did, that's what works for me. It's too major, don't see you on my pager,Know what you doing, where you at, or can I see you later?"

Crazy how wen one of us is emo, we're ALL emo; huh Erin & Ashlie? Hahaa..

Mann.. Its hot as fuck! 94 degrees rite about now in Hawthorne, Ca @ night time. I've been in the Inglewood/Hawthorne area all weekend with my family..cuzins and whatnot. Its so many of us and we're all so close. It's like we're all brothers & sisters.. It's just crazy how history repeats itself & you dont even know it.. I just see myself doin' the same kinda things my older cuzins did.. dating the same types of "niggas".. on my way leading the same kinda lifestyle.. & it just scares me somewhat because I don't wanna lead my life that way..always paranoid, scared @ any second ya life is gonna be interrupted. But thats what happens wen "the allure of the game keeps callin' my name." IUNNO! UGH. I'm raised in the valley.. I should not even be considering the problems that I'm going thru.. but daym.. tough shit. Lol. Anyway.. we went to yummy bbq & then went to a bowling alley..that I hadn't been to in some time.. Last time when I was ten or eleven I believe..with my grandpa. & it just hit me hard.. because my family has always been so close.. and it just sucks that my grandpa & grandma won't c my lil nieces and nephews grow up.. Its one thing to laugh about old times with my folks.. But damn..I'll never get a chance to kick it with my Grandpa as an adult.. The bond is totally different. I have no grandparents alive anymore.. Damn. Makes ya think that @ 40..YOUR parents wont be alive.. =[

I can't lie.. I'm sitting here, listening to Marvin Gaye & am thisclose to tears. Times like these make me wish I had @ least one guy in the world that I could depend on rite about now.. Not my close guy friends.. I know I know they're always there.. But somebody thats like..ina relationship with me. Someone that feels some sort of obligation.. It makes me just tear up cuz its like damn..what am I doing? All I'm doin is going around in a circle..a circle where I know where I'm gonna end up.. So its like why am I doing this? Its crazy cuz I felt like ok.. I got where I wanted to go. I have the type of surface relationships that I had been wanting.. But its like sooner or later I knew I was gonna hit a wall.. I chose to hit that wall. I couldve never even started.. But I'm all so mix'd up. Its crazy how there can be a million niggas who swear theyre tryna be with you..but of course YOU want the nigga who's not quite the relationship type.. Iunno..I'm just so stressed & depressed rite now. I'm livin' though.. Ima have to keep it pushin.. Nothin' really else to do. Niggas r trippin though.. yes YOU..YOU are doing a looot. Thats life tho.. Well besides that erythings coo.. Well not really. Err.. iunno.

memory: [mem-uh-ree]
1. the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.

-Let 'em roll.

A turn of events, unlikely to turn

Knees to stomach. I remember what it was like, in those days. A feeling revisited so recently, but without the value or attachment. Just "two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl", a song you will never hear. A song I will never play. I see all of the players, and all of the pieces, meshing together in ways I never thought possible.. a kaleidoscope of uninteresting people and uninteresting events, forced into something that might keep me up at night. I don't know. Today is not the answer. Tomorrow won't be either. Your words may shake the branches off my trees, but nothing is ever permanent. Words, people, breath, efforts are all damaged, in our very human attempts to change the unchangeable. Listen to this: our graves are already made, and waiting. There are more people alive at this moment, then there have ever been, in the history of the world, combined. There are ten people coming to take your place when you pass away. Depressing, isn't it? But you can't live in denial. You can't pretend you will live forever, you can't pretend that what you're doing is important when it isn't. The pictures shown at your funeral have already been taken. And you're already dead on the inside anyway. So don't pretend that you're living and enjoying life, when all you're doing, is sitting and waiting to die. Listen. Death is our only real truth, and how depressing it looks from a distance..
Yet life has so much to offer. It's pathetic how we sit in our cars, with all of these natural wonders at our fingertips, and all of these people who could thrill us, and make us feel something, and all we do is type meaningless phrases and look at meaningless pictures on the internet. You would think that life would guarantee us some sort of eternity, for all that we do. But we can be guaranteed eternity, if we would only curb our desires, and live our lives with purity, and truth, and grace. But sometimes that is as possible or feasible as feathers sprouting from our shoulderblades.. But here we are, roadblock after roadblock, celebrating anniversary after anniversary of our demise, and we dont even know it. The days drag on furiously and I think about what life could be, should be, would be. I'm here and there and nowhere and somewhere. The only thing other than death that is certain, is mystery.

jadelinaa (5:53:42 PM): breanna
jadelinaa (5:53:49 PM): i caught feeeelings
Breanna (5:54:55 PM): Well let them go
Breanna (5:55:08 PM): Youll regret keepin them later

"You're the words that come out easy,

& I am speechless at best.

Your star, it seems to shine above the rest.

You're the face before the cameras, The smile I'd like to earn.

The closest thing to perfect, In a Hollywood to burn.

You're the beauty that is deeper,Than eyes can merely see.

the closest thing to perfect,

and the f a r t h e s t thing from me."

have you ever seen anything so beautiful?

50 things you probably did not know about me

1. In sixth grade I promised myself that I would never buy any Rocawear or BabyPhat anything. To this day, I have kept my promise
2. I'm a believer.
3. I have never ever had even the slightest attraction to boys who were remotely close to my same skin color..until a couple of months ago
4. I got my first highlights in fourth grade, since then im not exactly sure what color my hair is
5. I have a really really really bad potty mouth..I'm not quite sure where i got it from because my parents are not the biggest cussers
6. There is only one place in the whole world that I have not been that I really want to go and that is Costa Rica. Everytime I am close to going, something happens. I do not see this as a sign
7. #6 is amazing because I see everything as a sign
8. I have also never bought anything from Hollister
9. I have lived in over eleven houses and gone to more schools than I can count on two hands. It had its bad effects but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade those experience for anything..moving so much and adapting so quickly really made me who I am
10. There is a park named after my grandfather on Balboa..
11. I had no idea what a Persian was until I entered Taft High School in the tenth grade. Half a year later I started hearing that I was Persian..which I am not
12. If I could have any talent in the world, it would be to be a prima ballerina. I took ballet for years and one of my biggest regrets is that I didnt continue dancing
13. The first song to ever turn me on was You Know My Style by Nas..to this day whenever I hear that song I turn red
14. I had a water birth and I am a Pisces
15. I am a strong believer in horoscopes
16. I learned to read at the age of two and a half and I have never ever stopped since then
17. Probably my favorite thing in the world is reallly connecting to another person..I have never had a seriously intellectual connection as well as a sexual attraction to the same person. Its always one or the other
18. I am extremely self-conscious
19. Writing is not my favorite thing in the world but is definitely the most satisfying
20. I started writing a book about a year and a half ago, its about 1/8th donee
21. Sometimes I get such a strong urge to write that I find myself asking for pens in the most random places
22. I really really hate school
23. Its really really hard for me to give up on people. Like I said, Im a believer
24. I am very tired of most of my friends. I get like this every couple of months and then I love them again a week later
25. I gave my last hand job a little over a year ago and not to be too graphic, but I have then since retired from massaging peoples dicks. Hand jobs are my #3 least favorite thing in the world.
26. #1 is thinking about death and #2 is having to leave or let go of things before Im ready
27. Everytime I remember a dream, it is a nightmare
28. My favorite people in the world are as follows Faith, Austyn, Bretyn, Deejai, and Joey Diggs. Whenever I see one of these people I know I am going to laugh really really harddd
29. In September I decided I wanted to work in the music industry..that is by far the dumbest thing I have ever said
30. The biggest tragedy of my life is the remodeling of my grandparents' house
31. In elementary school I had no friends. Every single girl in my first grade class kicked dirt on me when I was sitting by myself eating my lunch. There has been one girl every year up until eighth grade who has threatened to cut off my hair. i think thats why I dont trust girls to this day
32. I say 'to this day' a lot
33. Every boy I have ever really really liked has been a Taurus
34. There are always two or more very strong Geminis in my life at any time
35. I have never been to Hawaii and have never really wanted to go. I'm going in August though
36. I have four brothers who all scare every boy that I date
37. I wish I could play the drums
38. In eighth grade, I tired of 102.7KIISfm & went out into the world trying to find other or better music. my 105.9 stage lasted approximately five days and then I found kroq &LoveLine became my life..
39. I firmly believe that everyone who avidly reads books by Zane is a fucking idiot
40. I have not met barely anyone from my white side of my family ..they are racists and I dont really have a desire to meet them
41. However I am terrified that I will end up dating or marrying a cousin of mine
42. I want to have four kids. I like the number four a lot
43. Britney Spears is not my favorite singer but I love her so much I really feel like I know her in real life
44. I think Alicia Keys is one of the worst artists ever made. She puts me to sleep and she sounds like a man. I am also convinced that she is a lesbian
45. I think French is the most beautiful language in the world and Im glad that I speak it. I also want to learn Italian &Arabic
46. Boys bore me
47. I have only been in one real relationship in my life and it has permanently scarred me
48. I love babies
49. I reallllly want to date someone with a baby so I can play with it
50. I cannot drive

The world is in a state of disarray. Birds and beasts are going extinct a million species a minute. They say global warming is definitely going to be the death of us. High school students walk into classrooms randomly and shoot their classmates. Walking down the street you can be hit by a drunk driver at any second. A ten year close to my heart passed away last night. The rivers are poisonous. The fish are dying. Just looking at the statistics of the world makes you never even want to get up. But I have her and thats all that matters.


Today, standing at the ocean, at the edge of the world with the sun setting and no one around for miles and miles was the closest thing I've had to a religious experience in a long time.. We cried once because life is beautiful and we cried twice because life is so short. I've never felt more grateful in my life..to live fifteen minutes from the beach, to know all the words to landslide, to have the most beautiful, amazing, interesting, intelligent person in my life who knows how to live. I feel like no one else does. Live, I mean. Time is ticking down all around me. Seconds morph into minutes who spin into hours..one day I will wake up and ten years will have gone by. We have such short time to be who we are now. And thats all I want..all I ever wanted I think. Was to have someone who understood what I was saying before I even opened my mouth.

The view from here..

i have a temperature of 101 and i miss my friends

when i was in third grade, my favorite band was hanson. i remember drooling over them &crying when ava bought me their cd for my birthday. my favorite was taylor and he had the long[est] hair. they sang songs about cute little midwestern things like rounding sheep &about something called MMMBOP a-tippity-top MMMM BOP. i think mmmbop is some cool texas slang im not hip enough to knoww but i still loved the song. six yrs after my elementary obsession i danced with zac hanson at the troubadour and he told me i was pretty. smallllllll world. anyway the whole point of this entry is that while reliving my seven year old life and reading hanson lyrics i came across the cute lil gem:
so hold on the ones who really care
in the end they'll be the only ones there
and then you get old and start losing your hair
tell me who will still care
can you tell me who will still care?
so MY question is..WHOS GOING TO CARE WHEN I LOSE MY HAIR?!

thats all.
-jade the janitorr

post-script: all of this drama makes me sad..i just want it to be overrrr
post-post script: also thank you to the person who wrote me an e-mail that made me cry. you made me feel like someone cared

Dear bloggers,
Basically my life is a disaster. Someone I know would probably say I am being dramatic or too much, but generally dramatic people dont care if people saying theyre being dramatic [especially in the midst of a possible nervous break-down.] I am in a sad and/or irritated mood. I am planning on listing all of the things that make me sad and/or irritated. I dont like birds. I dont like dogs. I dont like dogs in my room chewing their dumb dog bones under my bed and making my whole room smell like fritos or something. I dont like school. I dont like this school. I dont like that I dont speak French, and I definitely dont like that certain people refuse to speak French with me because they dont care if I forget it. I dont like the fact that I moved into a small house and I dont like that my room is like a rathole. I dont like the fact that if my room is a rathole, that makes me a rat. I dont like the idea of me being a rat. I dont like that I dont know how to drive. I dont like the fact that someone is not responding to me right now even though we are supposed to be best friends. I dont like the fact that someone is never ever online. I dont like the idea of someone stealing my phone. I dont like that my mom just emailed me and told me to go running so that I will feel better, when I know what will make me feel better. What will make me feel better begins with an h and ends with a d and doesnt have anything to do with running! On the contrary, running will make me tired and I am already tired without going running.

Anyway, today, as I was laying in my room, with my face under a pillow, stil using the exact 1/56th of the bed you used to give me to sleep on, I looked out the window and thought, 'Please _____, dont let it rain.' Its not that I think of you as God, but Ive just become so used to always thinking of you, it sort of fell out. I closed my eyes, and tried to push thoughts of school as far away from my mind as possible, and tried to bring thoughts of another certain person to the forefront. But its not the same..or has not been the same, since it--or we, ended. Its not that I miss you, or that I love you, or anything like that, it's just that sometimes I want so badly to open up, and it's because of you that I am not allowed that. For you, have made me as scared as Cody getting his head stapled and as mean as Regina George times thirty-five.
So now I'm sitting here, with my knees up to my chin, thinking about how I hate you, but I don't really hate you at all. I'm also thinking about how this week-end will go, and this week, and all of the things I will be doing and all of the people I will be seeing and if I'm going to get any actionnn. I'm also thinking about the fact that Chantel & I royally fucked up today. I dont like how Im hungry but I dont wanna eat, and the fact that Sara just suggested cereal when cereal is quite disgusting. Anyway, I probably should not be sitting here writing down all of the things that I hate because that is a childish thing to do and I am eighteen now, therefore not a child. Maybe when i grow up, Ill fix all the things I just whined about.
Love,
Jade Alexandria Hadley-Magnus
ps. writing everything i hate down actually made me very happy

i'm 18!

Wooohoo..wat a weekend! =] FUCK i'm 18! i feel sooo old..like i dont even know why cuz all my friends are 18..19..20 [coughCHANTELARICKAcoughASHLIEcoughERINcough] Sooo I bet yall can guess it was a crazy/weird/random nite for me & my people. Letss see. It was coo tho..minus the lil bit of drama. Sooo around 6:00 i realize i still need to go to the nailshop & get an outfit. so my dad drops me & my cuzin off at this ghetto ass nailshop..i was rush'n the ppl and my nails got fuckd up. *BOO! so thenn..my dad said the only place he would drop me to get somethin' to wear was CRENSHAW MALL. as yall know [or maybe yall dont] that is thee most BOOBOO mall of the world! ok but im like AAHH i gotta make it work. so i go in..get a few things..a simple dress, some sandals & abit of jewelry. im standin waiting for my dad & who do i see fuck'n crackin jokes on me..no one buuut..robert & dez. so i gave them the info and whatnot. by the time i get back to my house its 8:00..wen my RESERVATIONS are. so i rush, shower, get dressed, have my cuzin fix my hair, and spraytan haha. then i rush 2the valley..sit down. then erin, quis & ashlie come. so then the nite began.

WOW..we went to this restaurant that faith takes me for my bday every yr..cant get into where/who/how BUT its the best sushi restaurant in the world just becuz all the waiters/sushi chefs are actors/singers so its like a club/sushi restaurant. i cant even explain.. but we got a whole bunch of sushi & just danced, sang and whatnot. AAH! Then Chantel & Aricka hoe asses come at the end. So then I get in the car with Ashlie..lol & basically begin on our way to the hotel except for a feww minor pitstops.. Ahh me & Ashlie were soo muufuckn irritated! LOL..everything was gettn on our damn nerves. We were like wtf the whole time. Haha..so then we finally get to the hotel rite as Anwar, Dane, Josh, Gio & Yori were arriving. LOL..I felt bad cuz ppl were hittin us up left & rite and we werent even there yet. So we all go in..then Eris and Quis come. Then ppl start arrivin..Dayday & his folks, ErinRae and Mijoi, Kasey and Najee..and more ppl were on the way. OK so of course all these niggas is loud as fuck! &It was a fairly nice hotel. So we get one warning. Two seconds later we get ANOTHER warning.. so then theyre like ok EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT! I'm like awww shit..it was just startin. I'm somewhat sad but at the same time I was SO TIRED and we didnt even have *anything* so i was like ok. So then everyone left except for Anwar and them. So we go back to the room, and order room service and a movie. UHH yea..so then things started gettin interesting. LETS JUST SAAAAY *huminahhuminahhh.. LOL! We was wylin' wit that one! I had fun on my lil walk around the hotel lol and uhh wen we returned it was coo. Then we start watchin some other stuff on tv. By this time its 5am so they say their goodnights and i hop in bed with Aricka, Chantel, and Ashlie. We knock out..wake up and call into Chantels work. Talk shit for like an hour and then go back to sleep..we all had the craziest dreams [& about niggas we're talkin to toooo! CRAZY] Then we get dressed..head to breakfast..with a few pitstops along the way. Got some yummy food..&then headed home. SOO that was my bday..cuz our tiu got shut down we will probably be doin something else next weekend but YAHH trick YAHH!

thanx everyone who came & who said happy bday.. lol and a biiig thank you to the f2dladies & the SIXTH f2dlady HOPE WRIGHT! haha..ta ta for now

ps. now pix..more will be coming as soon as ashlie and aricka upload them..



The girls at the hotel pt1..

The girls at the hotel pt.2

DANG! we got personalityy..weird face im makin here tho.


Ashlie & our lovely waiter..lol WHERE MY SESAME CHICKEN AT!

Erin &I

Dane..& Anwar

Quis &Josh in the background

Erinrae..Aricka &Erin


Ashlie &Aricka knockd at the hotel..

happy birthday to me

sunday will be the twenty-fourth day of the second month of the two thousandth and eighth year. this day would normally be met with a cake and candles and a whole host of wishes and dreams for the following year. this year will be different. its not only that sooner, rather than later, i will be out of sight [but never out of mind, no, i will never be given that royalty.] but it's also that past experiences have made me as trusting as Stalin and as frightened as a six year old on his or her first day of school. i stopped believing in people awhile ago, before hope started floating around the room like some butterfly, waiting on the edges of lilac and organza tipped dreams, right within arm's reach. now no longer want to catch it. everyday i wake up and move my right foot in front of my left, and i walk. and every day i wake and i feel my lungs contracting and expanding like they were spun from glass or formed from clouds. its weird. because ive learned that the most important things are the ones you learn as a child. things like don't lie, and be nice, and always say sorry when you do something wrong. things like how to give a proper hand job, and where to find tory urch shoes on sale just don't compare you know? or maybe you dont. i dont know. its days like this, when it's raining, and i wake in a house that is so far from what it was, and everyone's looking at each other out of the corners of their eyes that remind me that I don't have anything really. ive got everything I need to get by, but no means of getting by. you know? i think i learned, after the fifth house, that my parents would never give me stability. i learned that every time I got comfortable, my routine would be shaken up. the only thing that has ever been really been stable, was the perpetual sadness that follows me around like a cloud. but maybe this will change. im not sure. maybe next year on the twenty-fourth day of the second month in the two thousandth and ninth year, i will be smiling with the kind of happiness that just takes over. maybe instead of this downward look and fake smile on my face, i will have a real smile and real happiness behind my eyes. it's always in the eyes, you know? but if not, i guess i'd better save this entry on my zip drive. dont call me repetitive if you read this again next year.